#anyways this style feels very cathartic for me to do

[lycorisicecream]

Another experiment but I'll be tagging it this time since it's Dandy's World art (if you don't know Rox was fired so I've been playing it again and feel comfortable drawing stuff for it again, Qwel appears to have been heavily manipulated by him going off of her messages she's said in the BlushCrunch server about the situation)

[lastoneout]

Honestly, I don't say it often bcs I know how this site is but I really do think for a lot of survivors of abuse, especially abuse that went on for years and years, sometimes the message "it's not your fault, you didn't do anything wrong/to deserve this" while ABSOLUTELY TRUE* isn't actually super helpful. For a lot of us there's a LOT of guilt tied into it, and even if things were truly out of our hands we will not be able to accept that we are truly blameless, at least not at first, and maybe for some of us not ever. So being told "no dw you didn't do anything wrong <3 <3 you're innocent" feels...idk like some toxic positivity style lies. It doesn't make me feel better, because I still do feel like there were things that happened that were my fault, that were in my control, even an ethicist or god or whoever could look me dead in the eyes, weigh all the facts, and assure me of my complete innocence, and I still wouldn't believe it. (Tbh, you have to be ready to forgive yourself and trying to force it early does more harm than good.)

And I occasionally see movies and shows and stuff get roasted all to hell for having the audacity to go with a different message, to offer abused characters not a platitude about how they are innocent and should forgive themselves asap, but instead say "so what if it was your fault? so what if you fucked up? you're still alive, you still have time, your mistakes(or perceived mistakes) don't make you irredeemable scum who deserves to suffer, it's okay that you fucked up, what matters is what you do next, and even if the horrible thing was your fault in one way or another or you did actually hurt people, you still did NOT deserve to be hurt in turn" because people think that is like, admitting that the person in question is at fault when they almost always aren't....but as an actual survior, I'm sorry, you can tell me I'm innocent till the cows come home and I won't believe it. What I need to hear is that even if it was my fault I didn't deserve to be treated that way. I still deserve help. I deserve to keep going. I am not forever stained by my mistakes. I deserve a future free from this pain.

I think before we look at things in this like...grand moral way where we try to make sure we're sending the most Correct and Healthy Message Possible, sometimes it's worth asking if that message is actually the one the people it's about need to hear. I'm sure for some people it is very freeing to be told it's not their fault, but that kind of message does not resonate with me. And I, as well as people like me, deserve to expirience stories about us that are cathartic, that resonate, that make us feel seen, and to not have to see everyone and their mom throw a fit because what helps us is "problematic".

Anyway this has been mulling around in my head for a while and I def have a lot more to say about the way guilt manifests in trauma born of abuse, but yeah I just feel like this is something that should be talked about when we bring up abuse narratives and how well written they are and if they send the Correct Message, because the "Correct Message" is never going to be the same for everyone. And that's true of ANY demographic you could choose to represent!

Like some disabled people might enjoy the "magically healed" trope while others find it offensive. Some trans people like stories where transitioning is easy as drinking a potion or getting a fancy futuristic surgery and some find that that trivializes their struggles. Some queer people want stories where there's just no homophobia at all, others find that a world without it feels fake and patronizing. Some women do want to read stories about how keeping hearth and home is noble and empowering and others want read about women who have other jobs and never have kids or get married. For some of us "you're beautiful no matter what" is lovely and some of us just want to be told being fat and hairy and having acne and scars and shit is normal and fine. Or, like the last post I reblogged says, sometimes "you're not a burden" doesn't hit as well as "being a burden isn't a bad thing". No one type of representation is ever going to work for everyone, and that doesn't mean one type of rep is objectively wrong and the other is objectively right.

So yeah, the next time you find yourself angry because you think a story is sending the wrong message about a marginalized or harmed group, maybe stop for a second to ask yourself if it's actually harmful...or if you're not the person who the story is speaking to, and if there's someone it is talking to who desperately needs to hear what it has to say.

(*Getting ahead of this now: Do not put words in my mouth. I am not saying that any abused person in any way deserved their abuse or was at fault for it happening, that is not up for debate. The fault is always in the hands of the person who chose to hurt them. I'm just saying it's nuanced and complicated and guilt is a huge fucking issue that survivors have to deal with all the time and it's not wrong to acknowledge that some of us are always going to feel like we did something wrong and not be eased by being told otherwise even if the person saying it is 100% correct and/or means well. I do not have time for people who are going to willfully misinterpret me. You will be blocked.)

[nyoomerr]

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Spread the self-love ❤

thank you for thinking of me as a favorite author you'd want to pass this on to <3

right now, i'd probably say the fics that i'm most pleased with are (not in any order outside of "what was published most recently") -

stuffed with fluff (and blood and bones and rage) in which bingge is forced to watch without doing anything as sy critiques and obsesses over his life, eventually becoming obsessed with sy's own obsession of him. i struggle a lot with lbh POVs, and right now, i think this is the best one i've done, so i'm happy :>

raised by winter winds in which a sy that was half-raised by sj grapples with the past affection he's felt for sj pitted against the knowledge that sj has hurt a lot of people, including sy's new favorite manipulative little shidi, lbh. in the past, i've not really bothered to put much effort into writing sj tbh - i've used him as a convenient plot point in binggeyuan's relationship before, but that's about it. this fic i considered it more seriously, and i think sums up all my feelings about sj as a character quite nicely. i ended up rly liking the overall melancholy tone of this fic too :')

if you don't have your own boyfriend, rented is fine in which bingge reverse transmigrates to chase after the "nice" shizun he met... but doesn't recognize sy for who he is, and the misunderstanding is only made worse when sy mistakes bingge for a cosplayer. neither of them realize the truth of the matter until they've grown to care for each other and choose each other regardless. ik that probably no one wants to hear this, but i don't really like "to love another (and to learn yourself)" much anymore 🙈 it's been years since i wrote it, and since then both my writing style and preferences for how binggeyuan are characterized have shifted fairly dramatically. this rent a bingge fic was really satisfying to write as proof to myself that i can write a "bingge finds his own sy" longfic in a way that i do like, now.

i'll be your boy backstage in which a transmigrated-into-an-NPC shen yuan only finds bingge long after the story is over, and after the ge vs mei extra has happened. bingge latches on to sy quickly, but even after he figures it out, sy has very different expectations for what a relationship might look like. the conversation at the end of this fic where sy tries to work through his asexuality with bingge was very cathartic for me. i'd love to one day do a much longer fic in which bingge, who has been taught his whole life that love is expressed through sex, falls for ace!sy and struggles with it. i think it would have to be bingge's pov to be most impactful, though, so i've been putting it off >.>;;

shallow water weather in which mer!binghe joins mer!shen yuan's pod, and as soon as he knows sy has the capacity to genuinely care for him, skips straight from "unfriendly acquaintance" to "courtship partner." i'm a really big fan of creature AUs in which the characters' behaviors are influenced a lot by creature instincts and behavior, so all the mer behavior in this one is super self indulgent hehe

...it's perhaps not a surprise that most of my self favorites are the most recent ones i've written. every step you take is an improvement, etc etc. anyway, thank you again for thinking of me when you sent this ask in, and i apologize for how long it took me to get to it!

[tio-trile]

Obligatory sorry if you're fed up with GO2 asks!

I'm a new fan of the show (like, a few weeks after season 2 came out a friend lent me their Prime acc to binge watch everything) and haven't read the book at all but!

It's like in S1 Crowley and Aziraphale exist in the world and in S2 the world exists for them kind of,, in S1 the point of view shifted almost constantly and at the end the plotlines converged together in a cathartic moment for all of our beloved characters, but in S2 it's just,, present Aziracrow and past Aziracrow,, which is fine, I liked that they showcased the way they were and are with each other but it would've been better if there were less of these moments.

Talking about these, I saw that a lot of people on Tumblr were excited to see Crowley as an angel and it could've been good but. I don't get why Aziraphale HAD to be here, or more like HAD to interact with him and remember/recognize him later, and I'm not really thrilled about the fact that Crowley is implied to be someone important! It just feels like Crowley and Aziraphale aren't equals anymore ; Crowley Always Knows Best he admittedly was someone pretty important in heaven before and he feels more Holier Than Thou than the literal angel he's with?? I get that he Fell so he already knows for sure that Heaven is corrupt but,, I don't know, I feel like Aziraphale lost agency and just Can't Do Anything Right anymore! (And Crowley Can't Do Anything Wrong anymore either??)

I found the flashbacks for ineffable bureaucracy quite adorable but it was all too sudden! It feels the Gabriel mystery just wasn't progressing at all during the season and at the last minute, ta-dahh here's an exposition dumb on what happened, no build-up for the now canon pairing. Not a big fan of amnesia in general but even less when the amnesic character just gets everything back for a dramatic reveal scene, maybe I would have felt like things actually happened in this season if Gabriel was slowly able to access some memories. We could have had the build-up of him and Beelzebub planning on escaping together in the flashbacks! (And I mean, I get that there was the fly and the song but,, It didn't really affect Gabriel/Jim so it doesn't feel,,, enough?)

I was completely indifferent to Maggie and Nina. Also could've worked better as a separate POV from Aziracrow. I just didn't get enough scenes to care for them or feel any chemistry. Nina was already in a relationship, and Maggie was just crushing on her. They didn't really get together at the end but they're involved enough in the idea of them getting together in the future to give Crowley love advice and for Maggie to wait for Nina. I just don't really get it? If the goal was Maggie and Nina getting together, then they needed more time and scenes. If the goal was that they would not get together because Aziraphale and Crowley were trying to force them to be, then why saying that they "only needed a little push," that Maggie is "willing to wait for Nina," why both give love advice to a guy they barely know when they barely know each other too?

Anyways, I really liked the show (and am still eager for a potential S3)! But I feel like Neil Gaiman's writing is missing a similar style to Terry's (though obviously I wouldn't know what his writing is like since I. Haven't read the book nor other books from this/both of these actually authors), and important reoccurring characters besides Aziraphale and Crowley.

Yes, I agree with a lot of your points! And it's very interesting for me to hear that we share a lot of the same opinions although coming from different places -- being an older book fan and being a newer show-only fan. "S1 Crowley and Aziraphale exist in the world and in S2 the world exists for them" is exactly right, and similar to what I complained about not liking them "being the main characters". And I completely agree with that even if we see Angel!Crowley, Aziraphale doesn't have to be there, and also not liking that Crowley was somebody important before. And yeah, I've said it before but the Gabriel mystery and even the Nina/Maggie romance have potential, but ends up falling flat. Thank you for the ask! Apology accepted.

[outofangband]

in response to an ask from @justpostsyeet about what Laws and Customs of the Eldar say about sexual assault

under a cut for non graphic discussion of this!

also thank you to @undercat-overdog for helping me find the relevant passage that I literally had memorized but could not find (seriously I spent like an hour reading through Morgoth's Ring and could not find the part I needed, my fault for researching when half asleep but anyways, Undercat saved this post!)

The ask: Hi, hope your having a good day/night (maybe this request doesn't worsen your day). I honestly love your posts and I've a thing that I want to ask to you.

Maybe you has done this before but what do you think the elves view on sexaul assault must be?

And even if it's true what must be the reaction of elves when the a) hear about such news, b) witness such cruelty, c) experiences such awful things themselves .

I know it's a very sensitive topic and I don't want you to feel uncomfortable so, ignore it if you want. I've my own headcanons but I just wanted to know your opinions.

My response: this does not worsen my day! I'm sure you know this from my posts but I write a lot of darker topics and I'm fine discussing this! Indeed, I enjoy discussing darker topics, I can find it very cathartic to write about

Thank you so much for the ask and for thinking of me!

The concept that elves cannot survive sexual assault comes from Laws and Customs of the Eldar, an essay style section of Morgoth's Ring, in the Histories of Middle Earth. In LaCE, as it's often known, Ælfwine, or Elfwine, a pre canon character in The legendarium is credited with the editing of this text as well as other parts of the histories of Middle Earth adding another aspect of meta to it.  

LaCE is a controversial essay. Many consider it to be precanon or non canon. Others consider it an in universe philosophical or religious work rather than biological facts or universal standards for the elves. I think this interpretation is probably accurate

The relevant part you're talking about is a footnote in response to this line of LaCE Even when  in after days as the history is reveal many of the Eldar in Middle Earth became corrupted and their hearts darkened by the Shadow that lies upon Arda seldom is any tale told of Deeds of lust among them.

The footnote reads ...But among all those evils there is no record of any among the elves that took another spouse by force for this was wholly against their nature and one so forth would have rejected bodily life and passed to Mandos. Guile or trickery in this matter was scarcely possible even if it could be thought that any elf would purpose to use for it; for the Eldar can read in the eyes of another whether they be wed or unwed 

I agree with you that it's probably not the case that sexual violence instantly leads to death.

I think it's fun to play around with whether or not LaCE is a, canon or b, strict biological law! Generally I go with it not being so but there is a lot of fascinating ideas that can be explored, if often horrifying ones, treating it like that! (the idea that elves can tell in the eyes of another if they're married or not is FASCINATING even if the idea that such a phenomena would prevent sexual violence is...troublesome...)

On the basis of LaCE not being biological law though, there are a few possibilities for this inclusion (note: these are in universe possibilities, not a complete list of reasons why Tolkien might have included it)

a, an in universe narrator trying to mitigate or cover up the fact that this did indeed occur

b, as in most versions he appears in, Ælfwine is not an elf but a human, this could simply be an idealistic notion or misconception or even misunderstanding or mistranslation

c, sexual violence is a taboo subject in many human cultures, it's certainly not implausible that it was treated similarly the elves. Even if it's not an attempt to cover up actions by well known figures in the history of the Eldar, it could be a denial of cultural traumas or a refusal to reckon with a certain kind of pain

The fact that it specifically reads 'no record of any taking the spouse of another by force' is somewhat strange. Obviously, non married people can be the victims of assault (and people can be victimized by those they're married to; it's worth noting here that Tolkien did seem to realize both, some of the primary, and only, instances of rape in the legendarium are instances of marital rape)

A...generous reading is that it is worded like this because the footnote appears in relevance to the section about marriage and this is meant to discuss specifically how certain trauma affects the marital bond, something that LaCE defines as a spiritual and physical matter.

(Plenty of horror you could potentially explore there; spouses actually feeling the pain and trauma of their partners due to this bond, whether trauma from this kind of violence or other)

What I do think is true is that elves have a stronger connection between body and mind and soul and that severe trauma of any kind can lead to physical consequences up to, including and beyond death of the body. This is of course not unheard of in humans, stress takes a physical toll. But for elves I think this connection is perhaps more profound.

This is not limited to sexual assault and indeed most of the instances we see of this in canon are not related to sexual assault.

It's worth noting that there are some troublesome aspects of Tolkien's wording. Obviously the linking of sexual assault and lust is not entirely accurate. Desire and lust often do not play a role in sexual violence; power and control perhaps being more pertinent. Then of course the fact that it says 'no record of one taking the spouse of another by force' is also questionable as I talked about above.

In conclusion, I think like the rest of LaCE, it makes more sense as the philosophy of one group or individual rather than biological reality.

Finally, I'll note that the two primary examples I can think of in the works of victims of sexual violence who "choose" death or at least leaving body or life in some form or another are not elves but are Aerin, a human, and Arien, a Maia (Arien's example also not being strictly canon), both of whom choose fire. (also I think that whether or not Aerin died is actually ambiguous and is certainly not definite, that being said the idea that she did is a perfectly plausible reading) Also why are their names so similar...

[bryce-bucher]

.50 Caliber 3D Platformer Post #5

(Flashing Lights Warning near the bottom of the post)

UI UI UI UI UI:

I've been working on UI mostly the past couple of weeks. It has been, as usual, both very cool & fun but also hell and evil. To be more specific, I really like designing the visual aspect of UI, but implementing it is always so horribly tedious and boring that it is really hard for me to focus on doing it. Without fail, I always end up getting UI done very slowly because of this. I am really happy with what I've got so far though, and it has brought me one step closer to getting to the point where I can just start hashing out levels.

Making the Health UI:

The health UI was something I was extremely excited about implementing, so I eagerly decided to decide that it was time to make it. Let me step u through the process 4 fun.

For me, it always starts with sketching out something crudely in pen. I've had this sketch done for months now, so it was p cool to see it finally come to life in game.

Next I hopped into blender and began trying to make some kind of cool y2k-era greebled out shape, but making detailed machinery (or details in general) is not my strongsuit, so I ended up with this kinda neat smooth shape that I wasn't entirely happy with. It looked cool, but I really wanted to challenge myself to make something closer to the windows media player skins I was inspired by.

More Specifically, I referenced this Half-Life 2 windows media player skin heavily, and started with a ring that I could build little pieces and wires off of. I hope u can forgive me if I maybe made it too similar lol, but I tried to get creative and put my own spin on it. I think the shapes on the top left are the most similar to my reference, and those are not-so-coincidentally the first bits that I modeled. This is my first time modeling something in this style, and I suspect that I'll get better at it if & when I do it again.

Finally, I slapped some materials on, made a texture for one of the faces I had sketched out, and rendered out a few frames of it gently(ish) flashing. I then went into affinity photo and made little speedometer components to slot into the small circle in the top right and programmed some functionality to it. The plan is to have the face represent the player's current health, so I am going to need to make a few more and then animate it rotating into a different face. But yeah, I am super happy with it, and I think it is lookin p sick!

Other Stuff What I Made:

Other than the health UI, I also added in functionality and UI for completing a level and selecting a level.

I was very much inspired by killer7 for the sequence that plays when you shoot your target, and I am addicted to intense flashing lights, so I included a lot of that. There are already accessibility options to turn that off, so if it's something that could harm u or if you just hate it (coward????!!!11) you can disable them. I've always found intense effects like that very cathartic, so I'm probably gonna include similar visuals in a few different things I make. That being said, I do also always want to make the alternative visuals (when the accessibility options are enabled) to also be cool af and get the point across. The level select screen was also really fun to make, I basically just slapped together some textures of warn-out paper into a little files situation and placed that on top of an abstract background that I made in jwildfire.

Conclusion:

I have honestly really loved working on this so far, but there has been a lot of anxiety about money in my life lately, so I really do hope to get this out in a reasonable time. I feel like I say that a lot about this game, but it is because it's always on my mind unfortunately. I don't want to make it sound like I am making this game entirely for money or w/e though, it is definitely a labor of love. Anyways, I hope to get to a point where I can get some environment art done soon, and I cannot wait to show off whatever this game is gonna look like. Have a nice day every1!

[moistvonlipwig]

Books I Read in 2024

In addition to the books listed below, I also reread As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner and The Master and Margarita by Mikhail Bulgakov, both of which are as amazing as I remember (Cash Bundren and Behemoth the cat, my beloveds!). So that brings me to a total of 14 books for the year -- less than I'd hoped, but still more than last year. I'm slowly but surely reading a little more each year. These books are listed in the order in which I finished them:

Into the Light by Mark Oshiro. Firstly I must extend my gratitude to Mark -- I had pre-ordered a personalized signed copy but didn't see the part of the order form that let you put in personalization details, so when my book arrived, it was signed but not personalized, and Mark very kindly sent me an extra personalized copy when I reached out to them. As for the book itself, I thought it had a bold and interesting premise for a YA novel, and I enjoyed the experimental writing style and the twists and turns of the plot. The atmosphere in particular was built up very well to be nicely creepy, and I hope Mark does more horror and horror-adjacent stuff in the future.

Holes by Louis Sachar. I'd never actually read this book as a kid, even though I loved Sachar's Wayside School series. It's a fun book! I like that, aside from just being a fun and satisfying story, it also has things to say about racism and the juvenile prison system. I'm glad I finally read it.

The Spear Cuts Through Water by Simon Jimenez. This was an incredible read. The frame story is so well-done and interesting, the story inside the story is gripping and beautiful, and the prose is a delight to read. One small detail I really found fascinating about the book is how, when characters would be mentioned to be eating certain foods or drinking certain beverages or wearing certain clothes, the book would go into detail -- without feeling like it was going off-topic -- about how those foods/beverages/fabrics/etc. were produced and transported (often involving the exploitation of others) so that the character in question had access to them. There's a trend in fantasy and sci-fi works, I think, where characters just Have Access to things like coffee or silk or corn without any reflection on the narrative's as to how that happened, which mirrors how Americans take these things for granted in real life with often very little reflection on the historical & current exploitation and oppression that manufactures these things and transports them to us.

Anyway, I just think details like that really made the society of the book feel visible and tangible and weighty. The tortoises, too, were another utterly fascinating bit of worldbuilding -- how they both served the interests of empire but were also regarded as completely disposable tools, whose god was ultimately seen as no more than something to be consumed. And the characters were also great -- Keema, Jun, the Defect, Araya, the First Terror, the Third Terror (and none for the Second Terror BYE)...just a fantastic line-up of personalities. Plus, it's a Story About Stories, which is always a plus for me. This is a very ambitious book -- I fear I'm underselling it, to tell you the truth -- and IMO it completely delivers. A really great read. (And it's a fun coincidence that both this book and Holes have a cathartic scene towards the end where it finally starts raining after years of drought as a metaphorical representation of healing.)

(I will say, I've seen a lot of people really praise the romance in this book, and while I have nothing bad to say about it at all, I also think that it was by far the least interesting thing going on? Like, I have no critiques of the romantic arc, but I do kind of wonder what I'm missing that has everyone else gushing about it so much.)

The Seven Moons of Maali Almeida by Shehan Karunatilaka. When I was reading The Spear Cuts Through Water, I was thinking to myself that that surely had to be the best book I would read all year. Then I read The Seven Moons of Maali Almeida and was like. Well. Actually. I don't know anymore. This book is equal parts fun and moving and politically biting. Maali is such an incredible main character who I loved through all his flaws, and the book's structure, which is anchored in conversations he has with other ghosts, makes for such an interesting read. The prose was gorgeous, witty, and full of personality, and I loved the twists and turns of the story and the novel's commitment to its themes. Just an utterly lovable book. I'm going to read more Karunatilaka for sure.

Where You Come From by Saša Stanišić. This book is maybe Stanišić's best. I'm not sure; it has stiff competition. But God. This book. Okay. So it's autobiographical and about his family's history in Yugoslavia and how he emigrated to Germany during the Bosnian War, except that also sometimes he just makes things up, and blends things together, and remembers things wrong, and all this is juxtaposed against his grandmother suffering from dementia in the present day and slowly losing her memory and grip on reality more and more. And then at the end it turns into a choose-your-own-adventure book about how the story of his grandmother ends, and some of the options feature dragons. This, like The Spear Cuts Through Water, is very much a Story About Stories, and here the stories are both a way of keeping the memory of a family and culture alive and also a way of trying to interact with someone who no longer has a working memory. Reading this in the same year that my own grandfather's dementia worsened so significantly -- my grandfather who, by the way, is my only real living tie to the part of my family from Yugoslavia, who he hasn't heard from since before the war -- was uh. Rough! But in a way it was healing as well. I really can't recommend this book enough, it's such a unique experience and definitely one of my favorite books ever.

Racecraft: The Soul of Inequality in American Life by Barbara J. Fields and Karen E. Fields. Yeah, so, this book is required reading as far as I'm concerned. If you want to understand or talk about racism in the U.S., or frankly racism anywhere, you NEED to read this book. It will challenge you and deepen your understanding of why racism was invented, how racism functions, and what racism is and isn't. It maddens me that people waste their time reading pop anti-racism self-help books when books like this exist. Read this book!!!

Thistlefoot by GennaRose Nethercott. Baba Yaga time!!!!! It's funny because when I was reading this book I was thinking to myself, "You know, the best way to describe this book would be as a Rollicking Good Time," and then I looked at the back of the book and Lemony Snicket had endorsed the book specifically as "rollicking." So yes, it's safe to say this book Rollicks. But it's also deeply affecting and parts of it are hard to read (in a good way); towards the end I almost cried reading it on the bus. I really appreciate how playful and beautiful the prose is in this book; I love when I get to have fun with not just the story of a book but the writing itself. Great stuff.

Moira's Pen by Megan Whalen Turner. This was such a fun collection of stories, a couple of which I'd read before but most of which I hadn't, and it was also really interesting to see MWT talk about some of the real-life historical inspiration for various worldbuilding aspects of the Queen's Thief books. My favorite story was probably "The Cook and the King of Attolia"; it was exactly the kind of story I wanted ever since finding out the cooks had been putting sand in Gen's food. I knew the head cook HAD to be an old friend of his, lol. No one can ever be fed up with Gen quite like the people who actually like him. Annoying king <3 (literally) (he is literally a king) (and also annoying. God[s] bless <3)

Noor by Nnedi Okorafor. I really loved the worldbuilding in this book -- Okorafor is always so creative with the sci-fi futures she builds, and I loved getting to read a sci-fi book centered on the use of wind energy. I loved the central characters as well and really enjoyed their journey together. That said, the edition I read seriously needed another editing pass -- it had a distracting amount of typos and there were a couple of places where information was repeated as if we were learning it for the first time in a way that did not feel like an intentional choice. That's not Okorafor's fault, to be clear, it's the editorial team's for not fully doing their job. But it's too bad because the story itself is really great.

Chain-Gang All-Stars by Nana Kwame Adjei-Brenyah. For a long time I wasn't planning to read this book because I heard it was a Popular New Release and I'd been burned before by certain Popular New Releases (*cough*Babel*cough*). Then I realized it was written by Adjei-Brenyah, author of the incredible Friday Black, and then I read the actual summary (it's about a near-future U.S. where prisoners fight to the death for their freedom for mass entertainment), and I was like, oh okay I need to read this book actually. And I'm so glad I did, because Adjei-Brenyah's still got it. This was a tough and hard-hitting and heartbreaking book, with a biting satirical edge that comes out at just the right times.

The characters were fantastic. My favorite was, of course, thee Hurricane Staxxx, who else, but Hendrix Singer, Loretta Thurwar, and Rico Muerte hold special places in my heart as well. And part of what I appreciated so deeply about this novel was how incredibly full of humanity every single character felt, even the despicable ones. The novel has two main characters and some major supporting ones, but it also shows us perspectives from all over society, and I appreciated the way the narrative offered up these perspectives for our own consideration and judgment and painted all these people with humanity -- both the best and worst parts of it. Adjei-Brenyah does not shy away from the reality that some people are in prison for committing serial murder, hate crimes, domestic violence, and rape; yet those characters are imbued with the same humanity as everyone else by his pen. Nor does he shy away from the reality that a lot of very mundane and normal people would probably come to accept a program like this and enjoy watching enslaved prisoners murder and torture each other; and yet those characters, too, are granted full humanity by the narrative.

That does not mean the narrative does not take a side -- it very much does, and there's a particularly incisive bit towards the very end that I loved, which implicates not just the characters but the reader as well. But it does so without asking you to hate any of the characters, even though you almost certainly will, and I admire that. I appreciated also that the book did not shy away from how awful and ugly violence is. The book acknowledges that violence can be necessary in self-defense or against oppression, but it does not try to pretend that violence is cool or beautiful or empowering. Instead, it makes you sit with violence of all kinds, and forces you to reckon with how repulsive it really is. There's a boldness in that, and a maturity too, that I greatly admire and think we could use a little more of in our fiction.

I'm of two minds about the footnotes that sometimes pop up helpfully telling the reader facts about the real American prison system and how it relates to what's happening in the novel. As someone who is not ignorant about the subject, I found them to be sometimes intrusive and stating the obvious. But I acknowledge that there are many people who would not know a lot of these things about policing & prisons in the U.S. and who would think the book was exaggerating more than it actually was without these footnotes. And unlike in certain other books I've read -- okay, I'm vagueblogging Babel again, it's a habit -- the footnotes did not come across like the author thought I was stupid and needed everything explained to me like a little baby. So that's good, at least.

Honestly, my biggest critique of the book is that I think it could've been longer and included more perspectives and more of the broader world Adjei-Brenyah created. As I mentioned, I appreciated that Adjei-Brenyah did not shy away from the difficult reality that there are many people in prison who have done legitimately very bad things and have committed violence against women, while also being sure to show how women, especially women of color, who are victimized by sexual and domestic violence are often re-victimized by the carceral system. That said, I do think the book would've benefited from exploring the point of view of the victims of some of these characters, or their families' victims -- for instance, one of the characters, Sunset Harkless, is a rapist and murderer but is very popular on the show and is viewed as a martyr when he's killed. How would his rape victim feel about his gaining popularity through a show he is only on because of what he did to her -- or, if his rape victim and murder victim are one and the same, how would her family feel? I feel like this is an angle that kind of begged to be explored and, while I appreciated that Adjei-Brenyah did not demonize victims' families or their feelings, I think more inclusion of them would've only strengthened the book.

The English Understand Wool by Helen DeWitt. I read this novella on the recommendation of physics YouTuber Angela Collier, and I really liked it! The writing style is so simple yet effective, and the protagonist has such an interesting perspective that brings a lot to the story and its themes. Definitely worth a read.

King Lear by William Shakespeare. I've seen King Lear -- I've seen most of Shakespeare's plays -- but until recently I'd never actually sat down and read it. I really do think it's one of Shakespeare's best and I want to chew on it more this year. Also Edmund my beloved ❤️❤️❤️ I literally forgot about him...what an iconic bitchy king. When he made fun of everyone else in the play for believing in astrology...lmao. His haterism is unparalleled. Love you Edmund.

[somerandomcryptid]

It's midnight but the brain worms won't stop so take some more Cryptid angst(but this time writing!) because I love to make my bean suffer

(Tw for implied emotional/verbal child abuse and implied forced (platonic) affection)

Cryptid stared down at the words they had just written. It didn't really matter if they were any good, it was a fucking diary entry. Their diary was already a mess. So much that it hurt to read back through it.

They started it way back when they were still in Wren’s world. Or well they started the first one. They had lost it when they got kidnapped of course, but they got a new one from Bad and Skeppy. A nice leather bound book with a lock, they kept the key in their enderchest. Of course anyone could break the lock or rip it off (thank God Dream never did), but it gave them some feeling of security.

But of course what was more notable was its contents. They had stopped writing in it as much when Dream started getting bad, out of fear he would read it, it wouldn't be the first breach of privacy he made. But from time to time when they got really low they would write pages upon pages of their thoughts, tucked away against rocks in the training arena, the place that embarrassingly felt the safest and most private.

Cryptid didn't read back through those pages. They knew that if they were to, they would probably just be thrust back into that mindset. They already still hid their diary under their floorboards, even though they knew Sam would never touch it, they just got over flinching anytime Sam would touch them, for fear the touch wouldn't leave. They didn't need to go back to that place of contradiction, of rationalizations of why really his actions were ok.

No. They had moved on. They didn't want to claw their skin off when they saw Dream yesterday. Punz’s glance didn't make them want to shrivel up and die, and his glare certainly didn't almost make their anxiety attack turn into a panic attack.

They were fine.

They were fine.

Maybe one day the lies wouldn't sound so fake. Maybe one day they wouldn't hurt anymore. Maybe one day-

They sigh. And close their diary, turning their key in the lock to click it shut.

Maybe one day they wouldn't have to lie to themself.

-

I don't even know what the fuck this is I just kinda spewed out 370 words from the brainworms

Writing Cryptid pov is very comfy though, probably cause they have the same thinking style as me lol.

I promise they get to be ok eventually but I love writing them hurt, it's cathartic

But they do get to be ok eventually!!! It's actually very important to me that they get to be ok eventually, gives me more hope and all that shit(my life's actually pretty good right now but like, still)

Anyway yeah, writing I guess.

(Dreaming of death is an au of the fic Penpal by @calamari-minecraft-corner)

[disco-tea]

20 questions for fic writers

1. How many works do you have on ao3?

23, but I have more/older stories on other sites

2. What's your total ao3 word count?

237,183

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Right now, mainly btvs and I have an unfinished Arcane fic dying in my drafts

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Hiraeth (TF)

where the shadow ends (BTVS)

Brother Let Me Be Your Shelter (TUA)

the broken gates of kingdom come (BTVS)

skin like the sky at dusk (LOKI)

5. Do you respond to comments? why or why not?

I used to respond to nearly every single comment but rip I have been letting it slip lately 😭

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Probably I’ll Be Home For Christmas (If Only In My Dreams). It’s a Christmas story about Five Hargreeves stuck in the apocalypse

7. What is the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Honestly probably The Art of Dying believe it or not 😂

8. Do you get hate on any fics?

I know for a fact I have gotten hate on fics but I straight up don’t remember it because I delete hate and then forget about it/block it out lmao

9. Do you write smut? if so, what kind?

Nope. The closest I’ve gotten was a non explicit “pan to the fireplace” sort of scene

10. Do you write crossovers? what's the craziest one you've written?

Nope

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not to my knowledge. Though I have written stories and then seen somebody else post a fic in the same fandom that was eerily similar to a scene I wrote.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

I have! I wrote this Jason Todd fic when I was a teenager called Just Another Robin and it’s been translated twice!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I have not. I’ve thought about it, but I’m probably too much of a weirdo to successfully collaborate with

14. What's your all time favorite ship?

It changes depending on what I’m fixating on tbh 😭

15. What's a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

There’s like….nobody on this site who knows what I’m talking about but um. I got this fic called Hiraeth a lot of people really like. And I really do want to finish but it’s been so long and I’ve lost the muse/motivation for it. I’m really holding out that one of these days I’ll get a supernatural rush of inspiration and crank out like one final chapter for it

16. What are your writing strengths?

People say I do a good job at writing emotions

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Honestly probably that I’m too attached to my style and too sensitive about certain critiques. Which is why I’ll probably never want to write professionally because for me it’s more of an artistic expression

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I think it’s good as long as it’s limited and you make sure it’s accurate and the reader knows what is going on anyway. My approach was that it should always be explained clearly later on or be an inconsequential fun little Easter egg for the reader to look up later

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Oh my gosh. My first fic was Supernatural 🫣

20. Favorite fic you've written?

where the shadow ends I think is my magnum opus at this point in my life. It’s novel length. It’s very emotional and important to me and really had a lot of real life feelings poured into it. It was so strangely woven into my life at the time I wrote it. It’s cathartic. It’s real. It’s a piece of my soul put on paper tbh. And that banner…oh my gosh. It was perfect and I’ll cherish it probably for the rest of my life

A runner up would be this multimedia fic I wrote during the pandemic and it was a fic told through a combo of text messages, pictures, videos, and chapter writing. I’m still v proud of it even though it’s very hard to share anywhere because of the format

[loveotomization]

i got unbaaaanned here's an ask: can i get a behind the scenes for (one of) your fav/s akekita scene/s you've written, any fic 👀 like, how did the idea come to you, or some fun fact abt the writing process... if you have anything to share ^^

Thank you for this!! I've been dying to have an excuse to talk about this stuff, you have no idea!

This wasn't exactly what you asked, but I thought I'd mention that people who have read my stuff in general point out my use of off-the-wall metaphors/similes. If anyone enjoys my little flair in doing this, I highly recommend reading the works of Peter Beagle! I shamelessly stole the technique from him and made it my own. I recommend starting off with The Last Unicorn (it's a classic for a reason), but any of his older works share a similar style (A Fine and Private Place, Folk of the Air). I'm not sure that I would be a writer today without him.

Anyway...

-Fun fact: Akechi is easier for me to write than Yusuke. I, too, am very angry inside and probably just need a hug lol It's cathartic. Although, two years of studying art in college actually helps with writing Yusuke, because I don't need to look up art terms.

-In Aesopica, the ending was highly inspired by my favorite Tokyo Ghoul fic, in which Kaneki turns the tables on Tsukiyama in the end (huge content warnings for that TG fic btw). I loved how satisfying the circular nature of it was and wanted to try something similar. I knew the ending I wanted to create right from the first chapter.

I cannot remember how I came up with the fruit bowl to both mark the passing of time, and the decay of their relationship. But go past me for coming up with that! My 2017 brain was the real mvp.

This is also my longest fic and you will not see me write anything this long again lol I just don't have it in me. Shout out to long fic writers, I'll have some of whatever you're snacking on.

I also remember this being something of a vent fic. I was sad and wanted to my faves to be sad together. While I do enjoy supportive akekit, where they both grow together, I also love when they just make each other worse.

-Sliced Halves, Light Syrup, please imagine me in the grocery store staring blankly at a can of peaches while concocting an entire fic. Writers are very normal people.

This is also my second most popular akekit fic. Fluff sells, I guess. I prefer my darker stuff tbh!

-After Aesopica, my personal favorite of mine is Psychosomatic. I'm shy about my love of organ-fondling since it's not a common thing to be into (there's not even an official ao3 tag for it lol), so I'm grateful to the person on the kink meme for prompting this. Knowing someone else was interested allowed me to put myself out there and write it. I re-read it not long ago just for fun, and it holds up. It's the intimacy of literally touching the insides of someone, you know?

-I'm scrolling through my akekit fics now and wow! I do not remember some of these? Who wrote these while I wasn't looking??

-Kilroy Was Here was going to be serious angst about Akechi forcibly kissing Yusuke so that he would no longer trust him, because he feels like he doesn't deserve trust, blah, blah... But the idea of Yusuke annoying the crap out of him before they got to that point was so funny to me that I had to run with it. If anyone was wondering about my sense of humor, this fic is it. (I am not funny)

-Born to be Posthumous 69 kudos harr harr... I enjoy this one even if it wasn't as popular as some of my others. I remember being depressed and angry and wanting to take it out on Akechi.

This is getting long now, but it was fun! Thank you again! Hopefully this wasn't too far from you asked! Most of my scenes just come to me as I'm writing with a basic idea in mind, so I just toss them in as I go. A humble chef tossing anything she finds in the fridge right into the soup.

Now that I'm back from my writing hiatus I definitely plan to bring out more akekit when I can!

[hyunjinspark]

Ok so this isn’t going to be a super lo g analysis of your recent chapter so I’m sorry to disappoint in advance 😖 BUT I have been following you since I think chapter 2 or 3 of Only fools (which has been my comfort fic ever since I found it and don’t start me on how many times I’ve read the whole thing over) and I have to say over the past year (I feel like it’s been 5 years and just a month at the same time since I’ve found you 🥹) it has been simply amazing to see you grow as an author and see each and every one of your chapters get more and more detailed and truly absorbing. Honestly seeing you go through this journey of growth has been inspiring for me to the point that I’ve started writing again after loosing interest in it for 3 years. And I just want to thank you for bringing that part of me back to life. I know you don’t know me especially with me being too shy to ever comment about your writing style and me saying all this might be weird but your stories have been with me through a lot and I remember checking on your blog every other day to see if you had updated when I was going through my brothers brain cancer recovery and whenever I saw you had updated he would ask me to sit with him and read the story (even though he has no interest in K-pop) because it helped him remember English (seeing as it’s not our first language) anyways that might’ve been wayyyy too deep and I’m sorry but if my stories impacted someone the same way yours did to me than I would love to hear about it so I took the liberty of doing the same! I will now go back to lurking in the tumbler shadows and supporting you from the comfort of my couch!

oh my god ! this is everything.

firstly, thank you for having been there since only fools , you’ve truly watched me go through it all and everything and thank you for noticing the way i grew into my writing. 🥺

ive been writing all my life but sharing it on a platform like this really helps me just want to be better and get better and learn more about what you like, and what really works for my stories, so this blog has been so helpful for me in order to grow.

im very happy that you began writing again! congratulations! i hope you love it and get back into the routine because its truly so comforting and cathartic to write😭

and lastly, im so sorry to hear about your brother, your family and you having to go through that. that sounds really tough, i cant imagine, and im sorry you had to experience that, and what you said makes me really emotional. i cant even comprehend that my silly little romance stories could help you and him in a time like that.

that’s absolutely insane to think about and its something ill never forget….thank you for sharing that with me, its so brave of you, and i hope i can always be that person for you. everytime i get demotivated or feel like my work doesnt matter, i would think about what you said and push myself to work harder and be better.

please take care, i hope hes doing good too. i love you. <3

[xfindingtrouble]

i’m working on a Spicy reply to something & it has me thinking about percy’s relationship with kink. because i think he’s very interested in it, but he’s had limited ability to experiment with it?

 i think he has these bold, romantic moments in passing but when it comes to talking about his interest on the subject he gets flustered. that being said, i recently had a conversation with someone about how kink forces you to open up to your partner & learn how to communicate what it is you want & don’t want to try which i think would be sooo cathartic for percy once the ice is broken.

 i think he would be a switch. in the beginning of any relationship, he would lean more towards a submissive mindset as he’s learning what his partner likes, how they treat him. a lot of his love language involves reflecting his partner’s desires & i think that would apply in kink too. 

he is wildly experimental when it comes to sex, i think but before he opens that door he spends a lot of time & care testing the waters with whoever his partner is. even if they say ‘ i want this, i want you to do this to me ‘ he needs an understanding of how that feels in order to feel comfortable doing it. [ ex: if someone wanted to be spanked,he would want to be spanked first. if someone wanted wax dripped on them, he would need them to do it to him first. he needs a threshold of what something feels like before he is comfortable subjecting someone else to the feeling ] 

alot of the appeal of kink to percy, i think, is the inherent intimacy. there being a pre-defined power dynamic is something he would enjoy, with established limits & an enviornment where he’s sure he or his partner can tap out if something isn’t feeling the way they want it too. as someone who is not always receptive to emotional intimacy, there is something deeply fulfilling about trusting someone with their body like that.

 also percy is an aftercare king when he doms. again, he is someone who adapts to his partner’s needs but if he is given permission he can be pretty merciless, he loves pushing boundaries. but he knows that with walking this line is the trust & understanding that he needs to ease his partner out of the space he puts them in. he makes them snacks, wraps them in soft blankets, will run a nice bath for them if that’s their style. he puts a lot of care into understanding their partner’s needs.

when percy subs he also likes to be treated pretty mercilessly. he gets flustered pretty easily in the beginning of a relationship & isn’t afraid to lean into his internal butterflies when it serves him. it’s easy to make him blush, easy to make him squirm. he loves being overstimulated bcs a) it feels good & b) his body is sensitive & he has a lot of sensory needs so it is nice to utilize that part of himself for something more enjoyable. that being said, he doesn’t like handcuffs. they feel wrong on his wrists. he likes being tied up / bound but with soft testures. some rope is okay, but it really depends on the context.

though i do think percy has had some one night stands over the years, his experience with sex & relationships is limited. it has been an interest, but it has not been his priority. he’s had kinky sex on occasion but it’s been with the guidance of a more experienced partner... everything else he knows is from reading not only about the concept but also reading smut when he thinks no one is watching. anyways bottom line is i think he would just enjoy kink more with a regular partner. like yes, the handful of nights he’s indulged in over the past have been fun but the intimacy wasn’t quite what they were looking for... if this makes sense? i hope this makes sense 

[quippih]

gender? i hardly know her

I tell everyone I know that I was aware something was up with my gender in middle school. That I started experimenting with being a boy, and that didn't fit right until I found the term nonbinary and that fit me like a magic glove and everything was rainbows and sparkles and Nyan Cats. It's a very digestible story, albeit false.

It was more that I just ignored being a "girl" for nearly the entirety of middle school, until about 7th grade. I was just doing my own shit, being the trademarked Art Kid™ of my class, keeping myself busy with phone games, and- if you squinted- not feeling out of place at all.

I experimented with the term "agender" and for a while it fit me. I decorated the little locker we got in our homeroom with a handmade magnet of the agender flag. I wasn't going to be like those stories I saw everywhere, hiding my gender like some kind of secret. I thought I was better for doing that, not realizing there's fucking nuance to it and it's impossible to expect that from every queer person.

It was all very surface-level understanding of my queerness anyway. I think I just enjoyed the aesthetics of all that compartmentalization.

All of a sudden you have a bunch of new words to describe yourself with. I'm not [deadname] anymore, I'm Kai, my pronouns are they/them, and I'm a Trans Agender Panromantic Demisexual. Even picking my new name was cathartic- something I chose for myself like a badge of honor. Again- compartmentalization.

Even though I'm not the person I used to define myself as, I think that was probably the first time that I took part in a community like that so fervently. The music I listened to, the games I played, I got to look at content about it online sometimes, but only from the sidelines. Gender was something I could take pieces of and run with in my real life.

In freshman year of high school I saw other trans people in these communities, and I now suddenly had a lot of expectations on how I would look. I expected that I'd wear button up Hawaiian shirts and style my hair in a weird up-do forever. How I felt about all of it is pretty fuzzy. I remember feeling proud when I cut my hair short, happy when I wore a binder and full cover shirt to the beach. I was fully prepared to transition to "basically male" because I really didn't see any nonbinary representation and defaulted to White, Skinny Trans Guys to form the basis of what "androgyny" looked like to me.

(Something something internalized transphobia because I was viewing trans guys not as men, but as a "close enough" to nonbinary? I'm not sure.)

Then I finally saw other nonbinary people on my radar in sophomore year, people who were taking a stand against that norm. I followed that for a bit. I wore dresses and made my eyebrows and eyebags dark and vehemently described my style as "kidcore", followed TikTok trends and browsed depop.

I was also kind of dumbing down my transness to be digestible for myself and everyone else. "I'm just nonbinary- no need to get your panties in a twist. Let's just leave it and forget about it and it's just gonna stay like that forever. they/them, I'm not complicating it."

And then after a while I just kind of fucking gave up. Even if I wanted to make it digestible enough for other people, I should at least have an idea of what my gender means to me, regardless of how convoluted it ends up. Besides, so much of the world will want me dead no matter how much I water my gender down, no matter how "cis" I look.

But it's really long and arduous to explain all of that, so it's pretty clear why I'd rather go with the neat and tidy first option.

[itrustmydiscoverweekly]

This week I listened to "Wismar" By Rose Avenue

⭐⭐⭐⭐(4 out of 5 stars)

I liked this album a lot! I think it was odd getting back into Indie Rock/Pop since it's been a while since I've listened to this sort of music. Come to think of it it's been since daysormay in early April or Bears in Trees in early May (they don't count because they're British/hj). I think Rose Avenue very much has a sound that they nail and is very different from the other indie rock I've listened to this year. They remind me of Half•Alive but are still distinct in their own way. I like Rose Avenue, I felt like this whole album felt like one long song and everything flowed together into one in a really cool way. I also like that they make music about small-town style relationships/friendships. I am going to say their guitar and instrumentals remind me a lot of James Marriot's album "Are We There Yet?" and I think this is sort of just a sound I tend to gravitate towards.

Anyways, opinion time! (as always, not opinion order, just album order)

This'll be a bit tough since it's 7 songs and the whole album is really cool...

"Head in the Clouds" I think the talking before the song is a great way to transition into the very fast start of this song, I just think it is a neat way to start the song. I think this song tells a story that leave a lot to the listener. The characters are introduced and I think such a great part of indie music is that you don't really always know the exact meaning of every song but you get enough pieces to get an idea and flesh out the story in your head. Anyway, this song has a great composition. I love the use of texture and I love the instrumental 2/3 of the way through the song and how it works its way back to the chorus. I found this song stuck in my head a lot; and I think this song works so well.

"The Devil You Know" is such a cool song. I love how this introduces us more to the characters within this album. I love the fast-paced chorus at the start with the muted drums and loud bass and how quickly it transitions to the next verse and allows the song to build. These guys do a great job of building up within their songs and it sounds great. This one I feel I will keep coming back to a lot over time.

"An Ocean, A River" does a brilliant job wrapping up the album. It is led into by "Aren't You Sick" AMAZINGLY, I love these songs together so much they tickle my brain. I LOVE 1:08-1:20 (the start of the first chorus) Jesus I love cathartic screaming in a song. It works amazingly to build the song up more. The first time I heard it I was blown away. I love the loud choruses on this song and that these guys aren't afraid of the transition from really soft to really loud music. I love the ending instrumental, what an amazing way to end an album.

There's only 7 songs but have some...

Honorable Mentions!!! 🥳🥳🥳

I'm a big fan of "Age Old Drink" the VOCALS Jesus, mwah, brilliant. This song is Dreamlike and a lot of fun. I love the drums on the chorus.

"Aren't You Sick" has Great guitar and drums again, love me some loud music and I think this song does it great. Also as I said above I love how this song leads into "An Ocean, A River".

[punksocks]

Libra placements (especially Libra suns/mars)

Mixed experiences ! This has increased lately and I think I’m hopefully at the end of this arch of attracting Libra suns lol. My mars is in Libra in 12th house so I’ve had a lot of Libras start off especially nice then get passive aggressive and try to push all of my boundaries. I feel like there’s something about that sun in detriment that can make them insecure and prone to overcompensating when underdeveloped. That on top of my mars conjunction to their sun has made Libras be really competitive in a passive aggressive way and when I don’t participate in that (because I don’t do competition) they throw a lot of sneak disses my way and try to pull me into conflict while looking innocent. Disrespectful on the low. If I see the signs I don’t date them and I don’t work with them and I haven’t met a Libra that has been sincerely nice and transparent for the entire trial period I give them lol (for me anyway)

Scorpio moons

I think Scorpio moons have been chill for the most part ! Idk I’ve had some confess really weird things to me but like I usually find them to be grounding and I get where they’re coming from emotionally (I’m a Scorpio rising). Some have opened up to me out of the blue (mostly guys ngl) and that surprised me. But I feel like if there’s resentment there I have a harder time sensing it with this placement, until I see it all at once lol. But overall usually kinder than you’d expect from the stereotypes.

Gemini moons

A lot of people I’ve worked with especially. I usually feel weird about it because my 8th house is in Gemini, so I feel like I’ve gotten along well with a few that start mirroring me and copying me. Copying me freaks me out. Then they usually try to outsmart or out perform me with those same copied moves and I’m like bruh what are you doing? I usually have to peace out after that.

Capricorn suns

Capricorns get other Capricorns lol. World weary together and it can be cathartic. Sometimes they get a little competitive in a passive aggressive way (different than Libra, Capricorns try to pick you apart when they’re underdeveloped), and I don’t vibe with that though.

Sagittarius Suns/Moons

Fun people (my Venus is in Sag) but I find them inherently unreliable in the long term lol. Super fun people to vibe with imo, just can’t like ask them to be consistent for me for 4+ months lmao. If it works on their terms they’ll be around but otherwise nu-uh (not just friends in my experience, bosses and adults in my family historically lmao)

Pisces Suns

Pisces is in my 5th house so I always thought of them as really fun and sweet. Secretly they can be more unreliable than sag suns lol. I feel like they can get stuck in listless sadness sometimes, but I think that’s Neptune’s nature lol.

Cancer Suns

Completely unpredictable on how things will go but I like them usually, I feel like cancers are more fun than we give them credit for. I did have a friend where I could never map how they would respond to things emotionally and it was a confusing time for me. But I feel like a lot of long term connections have been with cancers and each one has been better than the last in terms of like emotional maturity and safety.

Aquarius suns

Mixed bag. As a rule I’ve gotten along with Aquarius suns with water moons the best, I feel like those have been my favorite experiences. In my humble opinion I think the water moon helps soften the inherent detachment Aquariuses have and makes them less cold and alien and more Birds Eye view socially if that makes sense? Otherwise things get weird with both our traditional rulers being in Saturn. I feel like nowadays most Aquarius placements I interact with have been at work and there’s been a lot of competitiveness come up. I’m an artist and I use a very unique coloring method just because I like what effect it has on the art I do and I feel like it goes with my style well. Three times now I’ve had aqua suns that will not hear a word I say about anything but have literally copied my style then brought what they copied to me and say it’s not that hard (they didn’t even copy it right so I was like whatever). Two of them have worked for me even. One literally walked up to me while I was working and was like how do you do that, I want to do that. Confusing for me because I thought aqua suns were supposed to be historically more innovative but I’ve had so many try to crib off my style (artistically, fashion, otherwise) then resent me for it. If they don’t do that then they’re chill people lol.

Scorpio Venus + Cancer Mars

I’m trying to be cool and nice about dudes with Scorpio Venus but also it immediately makes me more sensitive to red flags when I see this in a chart. I don’t like to believe the rumors, but there is usually a weird power dynamic here. And guys with these placements don’t like to date people they’re really attracted to because of the power they “lose” in that dynamic. Very possible to have learned your lessons and be a great boyfriend with this placement. Rare. Like super rare. But possible !

Leo suns

I really liked my Leo suns for a long time, and I still like them well enough but when an underdeveloped one is like “me, me, me” I cannot unhear it and it sort of ruins all the charm all at once for me lol.

Leo moons

Again, I think Leo placements are good ! I just noticed that Leo moons are so rooted to their own perspective that they like lowkey cannot understand outside experiences. They try, by rooting it back to themselves but when it doesn’t click they don’t get it (political discussions have been a nightmare for me and people with this placement lol). This is probably underdeveloped energy.

Capricorn moons

Inherently we get each other. Emotionally lowkey bonding even when it’s over explicit trauma, and understanding that if no one else will get it done we will. But I’m always surprised by how many of them still try to get along with their moms even if she’s like actively hurting them (I don’t ! The ship has sailed for me, Saturn said no for me- but as always to each their own).

Aquarius moons

As a rule even if I have a lot of tough experiences with certain placements I’ll give new people with those placement a chance, because you never know. I can’t do that with aqua moons. It’s not like I shun them in public lol, but I never seriously date them. I feel like underdeveloped ones are naturally detached (fine) but see any budding emotional connections as attachments and can resent you for that (no thanks).

Mercurial Mars (Gemini/Virgo)

Great when they’re taking care of you, and really fun about intimacy and stuff. Terrible to argue with oml. Depending on the house the mars sign is in too it can get really intense. Otherwise I’ve enjoyed how clever they can be.

Is there a particular placement [or placements] that you tend to attract a lot? If so, what has your experience with them been like?

[aussieseahorse]

Very long time.

Silly first post since moving but perhaps this will provide some momentum to continue on.

I’ve lived so long taking pieces from other peoples personalities and interests and styles that I don’t really know who I am.

Are we a collection of other people? I’d like to think most people at their most base level have an innate sense of self. Values, motivations, aspirations, likes and dislikes. Uncontrollable immutable facts about us.

I want to know more about me. Because I can’t offer anything about me if I don’t have a sense of myself.

I’m contemplating putting an example here, but as I write I’m thinking if this is just another form of taking a piece from somebody else. Nevertheless it might provide a context clue for future me reading this.

Ludwig wore a Twilight T-shirt to his stream with the psychiatrist.

I feel so hopeful in this moment, how do I capture that? Is it innately fleeting?

I want to be an actual confident version of myself. Like that popular saying “Confidence isn’t walking into a room and thinking nobody thinks about you. It’s knowing that they do, and not letting it affect you regardless.”

Anyway, longer than I expected. Quite cathartic though.

Maybe see you soon.