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lastoneout · 9 months ago

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Honestly, I don't say it often bcs I know how this site is but I really do think for a lot of survivors of abuse, especially abuse that went on for years and years, sometimes the message "it's not your fault, you didn't do anything wrong/to deserve this" while ABSOLUTELY TRUE* isn't actually super helpful. For a lot of us there's a LOT of guilt tied into it, and even if things were truly out of our hands we will not be able to accept that we are truly blameless, at least not at first, and maybe for some of us not ever. So being told "no dw you didn't do anything wrong <3 <3 you're innocent" feels...idk like some toxic positivity style lies. It doesn't make me feel better, because I still do feel like there were things that happened that were my fault, that were in my control, even an ethicist or god or whoever could look me dead in the eyes, weigh all the facts, and assure me of my complete innocence, and I still wouldn't believe it. (Tbh, you have to be ready to forgive yourself and trying to force it early does more harm than good.)

And I occasionally see movies and shows and stuff get roasted all to hell for having the audacity to go with a different message, to offer abused characters not a platitude about how they are innocent and should forgive themselves asap, but instead say "so what if it was your fault? so what if you fucked up? you're still alive, you still have time, your mistakes(or perceived mistakes) don't make you irredeemable scum who deserves to suffer, it's okay that you fucked up, what matters is what you do next, and even if the horrible thing was your fault in one way or another or you did actually hurt people, you still did NOT deserve to be hurt in turn" because people think that is like, admitting that the person in question is at fault when they almost always aren't....but as an actual survior, I'm sorry, you can tell me I'm innocent till the cows come home and I won't believe it. What I need to hear is that even if it was my fault I didn't deserve to be treated that way. I still deserve help. I deserve to keep going. I am not forever stained by my mistakes. I deserve a future free from this pain.

I think before we look at things in this like...grand moral way where we try to make sure we're sending the most Correct and Healthy Message Possible, sometimes it's worth asking if that message is actually the one the people it's about need to hear. I'm sure for some people it is very freeing to be told it's not their fault, but that kind of message does not resonate with me. And I, as well as people like me, deserve to expirience stories about us that are cathartic, that resonate, that make us feel seen, and to not have to see everyone and their mom throw a fit because what helps us is "problematic".

Anyway this has been mulling around in my head for a while and I def have a lot more to say about the way guilt manifests in trauma born of abuse, but yeah I just feel like this is something that should be talked about when we bring up abuse narratives and how well written they are and if they send the Correct Message, because the "Correct Message" is never going to be the same for everyone. And that's true of ANY demographic you could choose to represent!

Like some disabled people might enjoy the "magically healed" trope while others find it offensive. Some trans people like stories where transitioning is easy as drinking a potion or getting a fancy futuristic surgery and some find that that trivializes their struggles. Some queer people want stories where there's just no homophobia at all, others find that a world without it feels fake and patronizing. Some women do want to read stories about how keeping hearth and home is noble and empowering and others want read about women who have other jobs and never have kids or get married. For some of us "you're beautiful no matter what" is lovely and some of us just want to be told being fat and hairy and having acne and scars and shit is normal and fine. Or, like the last post I reblogged says, sometimes "you're not a burden" doesn't hit as well as "being a burden isn't a bad thing". No one type of representation is ever going to work for everyone, and that doesn't mean one type of rep is objectively wrong and the other is objectively right.

So yeah, the next time you find yourself angry because you think a story is sending the wrong message about a marginalized or harmed group, maybe stop for a second to ask yourself if it's actually harmful...or if you're not the person who the story is speaking to, and if there's someone it is talking to who desperately needs to hear what it has to say.

(*Getting ahead of this now: Do not put words in my mouth. I am not saying that any abused person in any way deserved their abuse or was at fault for it happening, that is not up for debate. The fault is always in the hands of the person who chose to hurt them. I'm just saying it's nuanced and complicated and guilt is a huge fucking issue that survivors have to deal with all the time and it's not wrong to acknowledge that some of us are always going to feel like we did something wrong and not be eased by being told otherwise even if the person saying it is 100% correct and/or means well. I do not have time for people who are going to willfully misinterpret me. You will be blocked.)

#ask to tag #media analysis #I guess??#cw abuse mention #idk what to tag this as #loo writes

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rlbbackup · 4 months ago

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A year in review - 2024 (SxF)

So, after reading the lovely @unhappy-sometimes's 2024 retrospective (which I highly recommend you read!), I thought I'd do something similar!

This will be pretty long and have lots of links and tags but I hope you enjoy this little romp I took down memory lane about all the fics I wrote this past year!

All for Naught

This was a fic that was inspired by a conversation with @glacialdawn and I wrote it up completely in 12 hours. I’m not exaggerating! We were just goofing off in dms and we got on the topic of Yuri’s decision to become an SSS officer and how it relates to Yor’s raising him…and it evolved from there.

All in all, I’m VERY proud of how this fic turned out. Having it be solely from Yor’s POV and forcing her to deal with an abrupt change in how she views her brother was a lot of fun. Of all the reveals that may or may not happen in SxF, I personally feel that the Briar Siblings reveal will be the most critical. Yeah there’s betrayal involved in the TwiYor one and Anya’s reveal will likely end in bloodshed, but Yor has hid what she needed to do to raise Yuri for over a decade and a half at least. And while she admits that her brother is intense, seeing him in his work environment would probably shatter something within her. The work of the SSS isn’t glorious. Neither is that of an assassin.

All this to say that with this as the start of my fics in 2024, I’m not surprised how later fics turned out XD

Hypothetically…

While my Post-reveal, Pre-relationship series has been written almost entirely out of order, I really enjoyed the inspiration that led me to writing this one. When I saw this post by @itsmechini, the words almost poured out of me. Twilight and Yor have had a lot of things taken from them in life, things that ultimately made them who they are but they didn’t have a choice or say in the matter. Having the choice to reveal who they truly are to each other and accepting the other for who they are feels like a healing of that particular wound and I couldn’t help but put pen to paper.

I was also inspired by the writing style of the lovely Puolain while writing this, leading me to use different scene change styles and I think it flows better because of it!

I will also admit that I cried several times while writing this, especially at Yor’s answer to a hypothetical question asked. Beyond that, this was a really cathartic fic to write and I’m glad I got to share it with you guys!

Side by Side and Locked in Tight

THIS FIC.

It’s been bouncing around in my head for a long time now, since I love the song that inspired this (Cop Car by Sam Hunt - there is also a version by Keith Urban, but the Sam Hunt version feels softer so I’m going with that one XD). I had an early draft of this fic existing in my Google docs since… 2021 I think? Right after I fell down the Ken/Anya shipping cavern and haven’t wanted to climb back out.

But actually writing this fic was a STRUGGLE until talking prompts out with the people in the SxF Rare Pair server. While it was a NSFW prompt, handcuffs just broke through the fog I’d had regarding this plot idea and BOOM I was finally able to post it.

While Ken has some of the shortest character involvement in SxF, I love this kid. I get he’s practically an OC at this point, but I’m okay with that and I love playing around with how he’d interact with the Cecil Hall Gang. I want them all to be friends. Anya should have more friends!

Anyway! I go back and read this fic from time to time and I’m still happy with it. Especially the twist at the end XD

Don’t forget to lock the door

Another fic created with the help of the Rare Pair Server! (love you guys!)

One thing that makes me laugh constantly in SxF is the fact that the Forger’s apartment has a deadbolt but it looks like the Forgers never use it XD. Imagine all those times people barged into the apartment stopped by a simple use of a sliding lock 🤣So, why not make it a plot point of a fic!

I blame @creativwit for this ultimately. Though it was a pleasure to write Twilight and Franky needling each other and Yor soothing both of them. On a second/third/however many times I’ve read this thing, I still love how they are soft with each other in their own ways.

Little Black Number

A fic inspired by my own art!

Sometime in 2023, I was talking to some friends on discord when I was reminded of Princess Diana’s “Revenge Dress” that she wore after then Prince Charles’ “Tell All” interview where he sort of hinted at being unfaithful to her during their marriage. This spiraled into “I’m pretty sure Yor would look fantastic in the Revenge dress” and going from there.

Now, based on anecdotal evidence, it’s believed by myself and others that SxF takes place mostly in an alternate version of the 1960s. Endo-Sensei does mix things about the world regarding technology in his story, but the fashion is straight out of 1960s fashion magazines. So, the revenge dress is way out of the possibilities. Still. I think the dress would look good on Yor and drew it!

The dress I describe in the story is notably different (namely that the skirt is ankle/floor length versus the above knee design of the inspiration).

To the story itself, I really want Yor to have friends and while I’m still wary of Melinda I think the two of them could be close! So I wrote about them having girl time together, bonding even when they are in two different social groups and where they can compromise on things. It was a quick and fun write! I really loved this one!

A moment of weakness

This fic was inspired by @/usleepover's art on Twitter!

Like most of the other fics mentioned here, this was inspired by chats on Discord. I have USleepover and @astersugar for this. Long before ch. 109, we were wondering what would lead these two to interact, and guessed that it would probably involve Dr. Forger’s office. Now…that conversation spiraled into something wildly different from what I did in this fic, but it did inspire me.

As a little more background, I have had a fic in the background for a year and a half now where Yor experiences a medical emergency and how the Forgers’ lives change as a result. I have no idea when or if I will ever post that fic since it’s…heavy. Emotionally and mentally heavy. But I was able to write this in relation to it. While I’m not specific in what ails Yor, I did leave enough for one to guess. Like it’s larger, heavier sister, this fic took an emotional toll on me. Having someone you love in the hospital and not being able to do a damn thing to help them is…difficult. I can’t put into words exactly how difficult that is. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, that’s how bad it is. So writing Loid and Melinda come to terms that they are out of their depths and still want to do something for Yor was cathartic in a way. I’m really happy with how this one came out and still reread it on occasion.

Rendezvous

I half blame @sister-cna-reader for this 🤣Her Hidden Under Roses’ Au with McMahon and Sylvia has me in a CHOKE HOLD and I was sunk for this ship from the start. So I decided to write about it. The other person I “blame” for this is @/Ari_Gateau on AO3 for encouraging me and ultimately giving me the prompt idea in the first place! You both are wonderful and I love you dearly!

I went back and forth on where in any timeline to put this, but ultimately decided that my PRPR verse was the best place. With Twilight and Thorn Princess revealed to each other, I could see their handlers also involved in that. Handler and Director aren’t exactly friends, but they are allies enough to watch each other’s backs if they find themselves on an assignment where they have aligned goals.

Leaving this fic with the ending I did was a choice I also debated internally but I like it! And I guess that’s what matters 🤣

Pink Sakura

OH BOY THIS FIC.

The inspiration for this hit me upside the head very suddenly on Kiss Day (May 23) and I decided to choose violence. Like with Side by Side and Locked in Tight, I pulled my “canon but mostly an OC” buddy Ken back for some hanahaki “fun” 🤣This one is in the same universe as Flowers and Thorns, but this is clearly the angster younger sister. And once I started writing, I couldn’t stop. I wrote for almost three days straight before I was ready to post this. But it was worth it.

Adding Anya’s chapter wasn’t something I had originally planned (not that there was much planning involved in this fic 🤣) but once I finished Ken’s chapter, I realized there were some pretty glaring plot holes. So I used Anya to fill them and I think that worked out really well! I know hanahaki isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but I enjoy it and I’m glad I wrote this one!

New Moon Blues

I return to my Myth Au! 👏 I’ve mentioned this in my author notes, but this whole au was developed by several people (@httplovecraft1890 , @gonnahypatia, @whatroguewrites, @awphooey2u, @juuyeah and @connoisseursdecomfort) and started by @foxtamer113. I couldn’t have made this without everyone’s inputs!

This one was a plot we had discussed ages ago. I think once we nailed Loid and Yor’s roles down, we almost immediately started brainstorming how Anya fit into their lives. We pretty much made her their biological child from the start (if my memory serves me), which I genuinely love in Aus. We did debate over HOW she was born, even though we agreed that she would be a baby goddess. One of the ideas mentioned was something about mingling blood and tears but we decided that the "Athena" route was much more fun to play with. In the end, I altered it just a bit mostly because of inspiration from a comment on the story before this one (Soothing Rays). (thank you to that commentor! I can’t find it right now, but you are amazing!)

Floodgates / Throwing Away Fate (just to keep you safe)

These fics are a RIDE my guys.

First off, Floodgates was originally a gift from the lovely @creativwit and I hijacked it because of conversations about this au on discord 🤣(like several others on this list amirite??) The idea of Kasper came from those conversations and we’ve grown insanely attached to him. Originally, he was going to be the contact that Garden silenced in ch 43, but we loved him too much to do that.

Since then, we had this idea of what would happen if Franky really did end up in Garden’s crosshairs, and Wit wrote the first chapter of Floodgates as a start. I’m pretty invested in Yor as a fault, so I kept thinking about how she would handle this situation and ended up writing the “interludes” for this fic. I’ve since renamed those chapters to the lyrics of Loyal, Brave, True by Christina Aguilera since that’s the song I primarily write these chapters to.

Throwing Away Fate is a prequel (hence why i’m mentioning it here) and was pulled from those same conversations. I love the idea of Kasper already been head over heels for Franky before the real action gets going in Floodgates, so I wanted to explore how he found Franky and went on this adventure running from Garden. Originally, I had wanted to write more (up until they are found in Floodgates ch. 1) but I was running out of steam and didn’t want to force myself any farther. Maybe one day I’ll (or wit, or both of us together) write the scene where Shopkeeper finds Kas. That might be fun 😈

Crosslegged in the Dim Light

Unlike the song this title is drawn from, it’s pure fluff! I saw this art by EvuriKigen and immediately started writing. There wasn’t much thought put into the development of this fic since I just started writing. The only thing I did think was that I wanted this to be in my Post Reveal/Pre relationship series, where even though Twilight and Yor have all their cards on the table, sometimes they don’t need to talk about the specifics of their jobs. They know and trust their partner, and that’s really the point of this story. 🥰

Inferno

Shifting gears pretty abruptly, we once again dive into my chats over discord 🤣While I will grumble about how Yuri’s superior doesn’t have a name 😒, I love the dynamic Endo-Sensei set up for the First Lieutenant (I know in the English version he’s called “Captain” but the Japanese says “First Lieutenant” so that’s what I’m going with!), Yuri and Chloe. So I wanted to expand on that outside of their tracking down WISE agents.

And while I know there is no evidence of any of them being closer than colleagues, my shipping brain just loves the idea of Chloe at least admiring her superior. Hence This fic.

Like Crosslegged in the Dim Light, I wrote this one very quickly and with little thought about plot. I’m pretty happy with this one!

7 Minutes in Heaven

This one was a beautiful joint venture with @cambot77, @sister-cna-reader, @strangeduckpaper and @creativwit! As with several of the last fics, this one started it’s life on discord. It was our original hope to have this done by Kiss Day (May 23) but that changed as we all kept writing. It was a blast!

Writing out a list of all the pairs to start off was a treat because I kept randomly forgetting some of them XD. But we got them all and planned out a vague idea of what could happen in each chapter. Then I used an online spinner to divide up the ships that hadn’t been previously claimed. After confirming that everyone was happy with what they had, we made the order.

Ao3’s Collections and Co-author features really helped us here and reading everyone’s chapters brought me genuine joy. It’s so wonderful watching how all of our different writing styles and takes on the characters fit together as a whole. I honestly cannot pick a favorite chapter since I love them all. Thank you all again, my dears. This project was so much fun!

Complicity

The fact that it took me 9 months to finish this one is still astounding to me 🤣I had planned for All For Naught to be a stand alone, but then I saw a prompt on the @dailytwiyorprompts tumblr and that quickly flew out the window!

Seeing everything from Twilight’s perspective and going through his mental gymnastics was honestly a blast. Not sure if there will be a follow up to this duology or not, but anything’s possible.

Psyche

The last fic I started in 2024. This is a gift for the lovely @cantareincminor and was something she requested specifically. Her prompt was: “Mole hunt arc with a twist: Garden sends Thorn Princess to Shellbury to assassinate Wheeler. Instead of Nightfall, Thorn Princess is the one to stumble upon Wheeler and Twilight. She absolutely mops the floor with Wheeler and saves Twilight. Up to you whether his mask is off or on—could be awesome either way if she believes her husband or her brother is in danger.”

No going to lie, I was completely surprised when this developed into a 10k first chapter. The second chapter is still in the works and looks like it may also end up about that length and there’s no clue about the 3rd. But I want to talk about the inspirations behind this fic beyond the prompt.

The title for this fic changed multiple times as I was writing it and probably spent more time as “untitled” than anything else. But within the day I posted it, I was struck by Orpheus by Cantare herself! I honestly love mythology (as my Myth series shows I hope 😅) and considered the wider plot of where this story would go. Without giving away too much, the story of Eros and Psyche just fits. Yor is the wife that doesn’t truly know her husband and through some twist of fate ends up finding out. While this story won’t be a one-to-one retelling of the myth, there may be echoes found within it until the end. And I’m really excited to share that with you all!

Honorable Mention: Sleeping with the Telephone

While I started this fic back in Nov 2023, a lot of it has been written in 2024. This fic has been an honest to goodness rollercoaster to write…and it’s not done yet.

In my author’s note, I mention that I originally wrote part of the first chapter as a one shot on my RP blog, but it has developed moreso than I could have anticipated. There are a lot of themes in this, from draftees suddenly leaving their children and spouses behind, to family dynamics and the struggles therein, how war impacts relationships as a whole, and the like. Of course most, if not all, of these are addressed in Spy x Family, but bringing the war back to Ostania and having them fight another country entirely was interesting.

Unlike the phenomenal @niregonnagiveyouup’s Not a Vein of Stars (which i HIGHLY recommend), I wanted to base this story around some of the hot conflicts during the Cold War. The US and USSR were infamous for recruiting other countries to help fight “their own” wars (like the Philippines sending troops to South Korea and The Warsaw pact sending troops to fight with the USSR in Albania). This still happens in the present day (such as the UK sending troops to Afghanistan and Belarus to Ukraine), even if it’s not to the same insanity that WW2 was. I don’t like it. I never have liked war, and writing this story from the perspective of a family being caught in the proverbial crossfire helped me hate it all the more.

But this story is a passion project of mine. I’m at the home stretch and re-reading this story to center myself for that happy ending I’ve promised myself really helps me love it all the more. Someday soon that fic will have a complete next to it’s name and I can’t wait.

I know this was long as heck, but thanks for sticking with me! I didn’t realize I had written so much this past year since I took a break for a good chunk of it. But in hindsight, I’m really proud of how all of these works turned out and want to thank everyone who read, left kudos and/or comments. You all are wonderful!

Happy 2025 everyone! Here’s to more stories! 🍾

#long post #Like TOO LONG #Year in retrospect #spy x family #rachel writes things #sxf fanfics #my works #behind the scenes

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nyoomerr · 10 months ago

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Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Spread the self-love ❤

thank you for thinking of me as a favorite author you'd want to pass this on to <3

right now, i'd probably say the fics that i'm most pleased with are (not in any order outside of "what was published most recently") -

stuffed with fluff (and blood and bones and rage) in which bingge is forced to watch without doing anything as sy critiques and obsesses over his life, eventually becoming obsessed with sy's own obsession of him. i struggle a lot with lbh POVs, and right now, i think this is the best one i've done, so i'm happy :>

raised by winter winds in which a sy that was half-raised by sj grapples with the past affection he's felt for sj pitted against the knowledge that sj has hurt a lot of people, including sy's new favorite manipulative little shidi, lbh. in the past, i've not really bothered to put much effort into writing sj tbh - i've used him as a convenient plot point in binggeyuan's relationship before, but that's about it. this fic i considered it more seriously, and i think sums up all my feelings about sj as a character quite nicely. i ended up rly liking the overall melancholy tone of this fic too :')

if you don't have your own boyfriend, rented is fine in which bingge reverse transmigrates to chase after the "nice" shizun he met... but doesn't recognize sy for who he is, and the misunderstanding is only made worse when sy mistakes bingge for a cosplayer. neither of them realize the truth of the matter until they've grown to care for each other and choose each other regardless. ik that probably no one wants to hear this, but i don't really like "to love another (and to learn yourself)" much anymore 🙈 it's been years since i wrote it, and since then both my writing style and preferences for how binggeyuan are characterized have shifted fairly dramatically. this rent a bingge fic was really satisfying to write as proof to myself that i can write a "bingge finds his own sy" longfic in a way that i do like, now.

i'll be your boy backstage in which a transmigrated-into-an-NPC shen yuan only finds bingge long after the story is over, and after the ge vs mei extra has happened. bingge latches on to sy quickly, but even after he figures it out, sy has very different expectations for what a relationship might look like. the conversation at the end of this fic where sy tries to work through his asexuality with bingge was very cathartic for me. i'd love to one day do a much longer fic in which bingge, who has been taught his whole life that love is expressed through sex, falls for ace!sy and struggles with it. i think it would have to be bingge's pov to be most impactful, though, so i've been putting it off >.>;;

shallow water weather in which mer!binghe joins mer!shen yuan's pod, and as soon as he knows sy has the capacity to genuinely care for him, skips straight from "unfriendly acquaintance" to "courtship partner." i'm a really big fan of creature AUs in which the characters' behaviors are influenced a lot by creature instincts and behavior, so all the mer behavior in this one is super self indulgent hehe

...it's perhaps not a surprise that most of my self favorites are the most recent ones i've written. every step you take is an improvement, etc etc. anyway, thank you again for thinking of me when you sent this ask in, and i apologize for how long it took me to get to it!

#bit of a long post but it's hard to say “this is a fav of mine” without saying why also djfghjkd #anyway ty for the ask!!#nyoomerr ask

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tio-trile · 2 years ago

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Obligatory sorry if you're fed up with GO2 asks!

I'm a new fan of the show (like, a few weeks after season 2 came out a friend lent me their Prime acc to binge watch everything) and haven't read the book at all but!

It's like in S1 Crowley and Aziraphale exist in the world and in S2 the world exists for them kind of,, in S1 the point of view shifted almost constantly and at the end the plotlines converged together in a cathartic moment for all of our beloved characters, but in S2 it's just,, present Aziracrow and past Aziracrow,, which is fine, I liked that they showcased the way they were and are with each other but it would've been better if there were less of these moments.

Talking about these, I saw that a lot of people on Tumblr were excited to see Crowley as an angel and it could've been good but. I don't get why Aziraphale HAD to be here, or more like HAD to interact with him and remember/recognize him later, and I'm not really thrilled about the fact that Crowley is implied to be someone important! It just feels like Crowley and Aziraphale aren't equals anymore ; Crowley Always Knows Best he admittedly was someone pretty important in heaven before and he feels more Holier Than Thou than the literal angel he's with?? I get that he Fell so he already knows for sure that Heaven is corrupt but,, I don't know, I feel like Aziraphale lost agency and just Can't Do Anything Right anymore! (And Crowley Can't Do Anything Wrong anymore either??)

I found the flashbacks for ineffable bureaucracy quite adorable but it was all too sudden! It feels the Gabriel mystery just wasn't progressing at all during the season and at the last minute, ta-dahh here's an exposition dumb on what happened, no build-up for the now canon pairing. Not a big fan of amnesia in general but even less when the amnesic character just gets everything back for a dramatic reveal scene, maybe I would have felt like things actually happened in this season if Gabriel was slowly able to access some memories. We could have had the build-up of him and Beelzebub planning on escaping together in the flashbacks! (And I mean, I get that there was the fly and the song but,, It didn't really affect Gabriel/Jim so it doesn't feel,,, enough?)

I was completely indifferent to Maggie and Nina. Also could've worked better as a separate POV from Aziracrow. I just didn't get enough scenes to care for them or feel any chemistry. Nina was already in a relationship, and Maggie was just crushing on her. They didn't really get together at the end but they're involved enough in the idea of them getting together in the future to give Crowley love advice and for Maggie to wait for Nina. I just don't really get it? If the goal was Maggie and Nina getting together, then they needed more time and scenes. If the goal was that they would not get together because Aziraphale and Crowley were trying to force them to be, then why saying that they "only needed a little push," that Maggie is "willing to wait for Nina," why both give love advice to a guy they barely know when they barely know each other too?

Anyways, I really liked the show (and am still eager for a potential S3)! But I feel like Neil Gaiman's writing is missing a similar style to Terry's (though obviously I wouldn't know what his writing is like since I. Haven't read the book nor other books from this/both of these actually authors), and important reoccurring characters besides Aziraphale and Crowley.

Yes, I agree with a lot of your points! And it's very interesting for me to hear that we share a lot of the same opinions although coming from different places -- being an older book fan and being a newer show-only fan. "S1 Crowley and Aziraphale exist in the world and in S2 the world exists for them" is exactly right, and similar to what I complained about not liking them "being the main characters". And I completely agree with that even if we see Angel!Crowley, Aziraphale doesn't have to be there, and also not liking that Crowley was somebody important before. And yeah, I've said it before but the Gabriel mystery and even the Nina/Maggie romance have potential, but ends up falling flat. Thank you for the ask! Apology accepted.

#apology accepted because HO BOY THIS WAS A LONG ASK haha #How could you make me READ /jk jk #ask #long post #good omens season 2 #gos2 spoilers #good omens critical #anonymous

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bryce-bucher · 2 years ago

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.50 Caliber 3D Platformer Post #5

(Flashing Lights Warning near the bottom of the post)

UI UI UI UI UI:

I've been working on UI mostly the past couple of weeks. It has been, as usual, both very cool & fun but also hell and evil. To be more specific, I really like designing the visual aspect of UI, but implementing it is always so horribly tedious and boring that it is really hard for me to focus on doing it. Without fail, I always end up getting UI done very slowly because of this. I am really happy with what I've got so far though, and it has brought me one step closer to getting to the point where I can just start hashing out levels.

Making the Health UI:

The health UI was something I was extremely excited about implementing, so I eagerly decided to decide that it was time to make it. Let me step u through the process 4 fun.

For me, it always starts with sketching out something crudely in pen. I've had this sketch done for months now, so it was p cool to see it finally come to life in game.

Next I hopped into blender and began trying to make some kind of cool y2k-era greebled out shape, but making detailed machinery (or details in general) is not my strongsuit, so I ended up with this kinda neat smooth shape that I wasn't entirely happy with. It looked cool, but I really wanted to challenge myself to make something closer to the windows media player skins I was inspired by.

More Specifically, I referenced this Half-Life 2 windows media player skin heavily, and started with a ring that I could build little pieces and wires off of. I hope u can forgive me if I maybe made it too similar lol, but I tried to get creative and put my own spin on it. I think the shapes on the top left are the most similar to my reference, and those are not-so-coincidentally the first bits that I modeled. This is my first time modeling something in this style, and I suspect that I'll get better at it if & when I do it again.

Finally, I slapped some materials on, made a texture for one of the faces I had sketched out, and rendered out a few frames of it gently(ish) flashing. I then went into affinity photo and made little speedometer components to slot into the small circle in the top right and programmed some functionality to it. The plan is to have the face represent the player's current health, so I am going to need to make a few more and then animate it rotating into a different face. But yeah, I am super happy with it, and I think it is lookin p sick!

Other Stuff What I Made:

Other than the health UI, I also added in functionality and UI for completing a level and selecting a level.

I was very much inspired by killer7 for the sequence that plays when you shoot your target, and I am addicted to intense flashing lights, so I included a lot of that. There are already accessibility options to turn that off, so if it's something that could harm u or if you just hate it (coward????!!!11) you can disable them. I've always found intense effects like that very cathartic, so I'm probably gonna include similar visuals in a few different things I make. That being said, I do also always want to make the alternative visuals (when the accessibility options are enabled) to also be cool af and get the point across. The level select screen was also really fun to make, I basically just slapped together some textures of warn-out paper into a little files situation and placed that on top of an abstract background that I made in jwildfire.

Conclusion:

I have honestly really loved working on this so far, but there has been a lot of anxiety about money in my life lately, so I really do hope to get this out in a reasonable time. I feel like I say that a lot about this game, but it is because it's always on my mind unfortunately. I don't want to make it sound like I am making this game entirely for money or w/e though, it is definitely a labor of love. Anyways, I hope to get to a point where I can get some environment art done soon, and I cannot wait to show off whatever this game is gonna look like. Have a nice day every1!

#screenshotsaturday #indiegamedev #gamedev #indiedev #game development #indiegames #y2k #y2k aesthetic #3d platformer #3dplatformer #sniper rifle #windows media player #50 caliber 3d platformer #50 cal

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desertleviathan · 11 months ago

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Today, June 5th 2024, is the 20th anniversary of the death of Ronald Reagan.

Which seems to me an optimal time to mourn the dissolution of the GURPS Fantasy Presidential Knife-Fighting League some time before the Gipper became eligible to participate.

What, you may ask, was the GURPS Fantasy Presidential Knife-Fighting League?

Before I go on, let me make clear the spirit of this post; Fuck every last US President, living or dead, they're all mass-murdering pieces of shit. Even Jimmy Carter. Even Abe Lincoln. None of them hold up to any serious moral scrutiny, although a couple at least had the decency to seem ashamed. The United States of America is and has always been an engine of barbaric cruelty. There is no point in this country's history during which it hasn't had its boot on someone's neck. Slavery was never really abolished, we just rebranded it as Prison Labor. Genocide and erasure of Native Americans is still very much a policy goal, even if the current approach is a passive long-term economics game rather than a hot war. And every step of enfranchisement of citizens in the Imperial Core has been counterbalanced by expanded exploitation of foreign workers, pinning vast portions of the rest of the world into poverty, starvation, and political turmoil so that we can keep costs cheap for our coffee beans and iPhones. The United States of America is a relentless and unambiguous force for evil, and fuck anyone morally perverse enough to take the Captain's Chair of this rotten enterprise without having the backbone to try to sink it.

Thus, a big part of what made the League fun was how cathartic it was to imagine this batch of indefensibly rancid sons of bitches trapped in a custom-tailored Hell, damned to spend eternity puncturing each other for the amusement of merciless gods. If you disagree with that premise, nothing that follows is going to be particularly palatable to you.

ORIGIN OF THE LEAGUE

Back when I was in high school I got into GURPS (the Generic Universal Role-Playing System by Steve Jackson Games) in a big way through a friend in my school's TTRPG club. GURPS is kind of like the Linux of TTRPGS, nigh-impenetrable to the novice, but if you put in an enormous heap of work you can get it to do pretty much anything. Could purpose-built systems usually do it better? Oh hell yeah, almost always, but the main thing you were paying for with GURPS was flexibility, because what it really wanted you to do with it was run crossovers between dramatically different genres and/or historical time periods. That's the edge case where I really advocate for it specifically, rather than my endorsement just being a matter of personal familiarity.

Anyway, GURPS was a lot of work when I was new to it (and still a lot of work now that I'm an old vet), so when I was first getting a feel for it I went looking for tips in various online enthusiast communities, some of which were more helpful than others. You know how TTRPG communities are, and even the most caustic communities today seem downright idyllic compared to the kind of garbage fires I was investigating in the 90s. But there was one forum I found where the moderators had a much more solid grasp of how to maintain a positive community vibe, so I concentrated my time there even though they were more interested in the Historical Fiction/Tactical Wargame style of play compared to the Fantasy Adventure style I preferred.

This community had a pretty lively sub-forum dedicated to figuring out best guesses for historically accurate setting details. You wanted to know what skills would likely be known by a phalanx of Athenian Hoplites? You wanted good guidelines for the equipment carried by Prussian Mercenaries hired by both sides during the American Revolutionary War? You wanted a list of just what type and quality of alchemical laboratory materials John Dee would have had access to when he was Court Magician for Queen Elizabeth I? These forum folk loved nothing more than digging up answers back when that involved physically going to the library a lot more often. They knew where to find the info, and more importantly when they posted it they would thoroughly document their citations, which was a tremendous part of what kept that place from devolving into standard TTRPG forum bickering. If someone came along with a better source, the community standard of what actually constituted a "better" source was well enough agreed on that everyone was able to play nice together. We all seemed to be too excited to learn new things to get bitter about having our own expertise challenged, since everyone admitted from the beginning that we were only going off of the best info we'd found so far.

It was honestly a paradise the likes of which the Internet will probably never see again.

So anyway, in that sub-forum there was a very active thread about making stats for actual Historical Figures who your player characters in a Period Game might Forrest Gump their way into encountering. And at one point after I'd been a regular there for quite a few years, I and a handful of other regulars decided to just preemptively fill in the rest of a roster of individuals who would probably all get requested eventually anyway: former presidents of the United States of America. In assembling our research, priority was given first to disclosed medical data, followed by military service records or job history in similarly demanding fields, followed by things like family and peer anecdotes about physical fitness and temperament, followed by general public anecdotes and press accounts. We did not hold a very high opinion of the notion of "impartial" press in that forum, although some sources earned much better reputations than others.

We quickly figured out a couple things. Firstly, that George Washington and Abraham Lincoln had both been so heavily mythologized that it was next to impossible to agree on what constituted credible data, and since any character sheet we compiled for either of them was going to have too many footnotes to actually feel authoritative, we just wouldn't bother. Secondly, a lot of these guys had pretty decent Combat Stats. Like... none of them were any kind of one-man army. Well, few of them were. I can probably guess which two you're thinking about, and we'll get to them specifically in a minute. But quite a few of them could demonstrably handle themselves in a brawl, according to sources we considered trustworthy. And quite a few more of them were invested in projecting the appearance of being able to handle themselves in a brawl.

So the idea of the league evolved from there. I forget who suggested a battle royale, but I'm definitely the one who proposed Knife Fighting as the medium for the conflict.

GENERAL RULES

1.) Each combatant was issued one knife with ordinary GURPS combat knife statistics.

2.) If a combatant had served two consecutive terms, they were issued a second identical knife.

3.) Battles concluded when one opponent was slain, had surrendered, or was rendered incapable of fighting further in the opinion of the referee (the GM).

4.) Players were assigned Presidents at random, but honestly individual player skill didn't really come into it since everyone could solicit advice from the whole forum before taking each turn. We were way more interested in "What would President [x] have done here?" than in "What would Player [x] do here using President [x]'s stats?" Usually we had enough players that no one was controlling more than two Presidents. If a player controlling multiple characters found two of them facing each other, one of them would be chosen at random and reassigned to another player (with the exception of the special rule for Grover Cleveland below). Whoever was in control of a character when they won a match would continue to control them afterwards.

5.) Each combatant was informed before entering the Arena that if a victor failed to emerge within 24 hours, Space Aliens would vaporize the whole planet Earth. That would be a pretty insane outcome given the 1-second combat rounds in GURPS, though. Also each combatant was informed that if they personally surrendered, they would be euthanized.

6.) In all following tournaments, the memories of all combatants were erased of previous battles so they would not find their willingness to kill or die influenced unduly by the knowledge that their tormentors were capable of resurrecting them on a whim. (Again, the special rules around Grover Cleveland presented an intriguing edge case for this.)

7.) A contestant's in game statistics were to be generated based on the best health they showed while in office. Good news for William Henry Harrison, whose fatal pneumonia didn't settle in until shortly after his ill-advised coatless inauguration speech during a chilly March rainstorm. But bad news for John F. Kennedy, whose carefully cultivated public image of youthful vigor was in stark contrast with the medical history that's been declassified since his assassination, where he was being proscribed a staggering amount of drugs to stay functional.

8.) Running "out of bounds" in an arena was permissible, in as much as some of the maps had sections that were more clearly "intended" combat spaces, but trying to leave the venue entirely by moving off the boundaries of the map we had prepared would result in disqualification.

9.) In any venue with appropriate seating, civilian spectators were present to full capacity. While it was considered unsportsmanlike, the rules did not specifically forbid a combatant from taking hostages to try to force a surrender from their opponent.

10.) Each match would take place in one of the following locations, randomly chosen by rolling 1d6. * (1.) A featureless and borderless gray geometric plane, with lighting, gravity, temperature, atmosphere, friction, and other physical properties sufficient only to ensure no bonuses or penalties to combat mechanics. A hypothetical out-of-bounds would only occur if one President ran far enough that the GM in charge ran out of sheets of graph paper. * (2.) The Roman Colosseum. 50% chance between a fully restored version with a roaring audience, or a modern ruins version with scattered tourists. * (3.) Denver's Mile High Stadium, of which I had detailed maps because one of my Shadowrun characters had once been hired to excavate the remains of a demon buried under the 50 yard line. * (4.) The Oval Office, with some controversy about just what arrangement of furnishings to use until we agreed to base it on the configuration featured in the first season of The West Wing. * (5.) The Boxing Ring at Madison Square Garden. * (6.) Air Force One, in a holding pattern over Dulles International Airport. Combatants would start at either end of the plane's interior, but technically there was nothing preventing them from opening a hatch and trying to take the fight to the roof.

11.) A President was only eligible for participation if they had been dead for more than 10 years. The forum held it as an unofficial guideline that it was a bit ghoulish to generate game stats for anyone who hadn't been dead for at least 10 years, but the mods had the foresight to warn us very specifically that this was going to be a hard rule for our particular project if we wanted to talk about it there. Everyone still remembered that the Secret Service had once raided Steve Jackson Games HQ on suspicion that "GURPS Cyberpunk" was actually a real life guide to Elite Hacking Secrets instead of a complete work of fiction, and we were of the opinion that participating in a GURPS forum at all probably meant that the Feds would interpret whatever we were up to in the poorest possible light. By the time we got everything lined up for the first tournament, Carter, Ford, Bush Sr., Clinton, and Bush Jr. were still alive, while Obama, Trump, and Biden hadn't been President yet, and Reagan had just died. Nixon barely made the cut though. Ford had also died by the time the fourth and final tournament was held. If we ran a fifth tournament today, we'd still be waiting six more years for Bush Sr. to become eligible.

SPECIAL RULES FOR SPECIAL PRESIDENTS

Additionally, the following Presidents were subject to special rules:

1.) As I mentioned, the legacies of George Washington and Abraham Lincoln have fallen into a state where weeding out the myths, propaganda, and outright silly lies was causing too much strife in our otherwise sedate community. So we set them aside. We talked about having them do sports commentary throughout the matches, but the timing of forum-based GURPS combat wasn't really conducive to that.

2.) The first time we ran the tournament, it became clear that letting Teddy Roosevelt and Andrew Jackson compete with the rest of these guys was like watching the Harlem Globetrotters play basketball against a bunch of Junior High kids. We put them off to the side as well, but were happy enough with their respective stats that we held a feature "TITAN MATCH" between the two of them as the capstone to each annual tournament. The winner of the regular tournament got to pick which of them they would play, and the second place from the regular tournament would play the other.

3.) Making Franklin D. Roosevelt fight was, in our unanimous opinion, pretty fucked up. We did not like how we felt when making a simulation of a polio victim roll his wheelchair around a bloodsport arena, even if he would have had four knives. He was exempted from participation.

4.) Grover Cleveland served two non-consecutive terms, and therefore was entitled to two knives... but not both at once. Our compromise was to allow Grover Cleveland two different starting positions in the tournament brackets. In the event that the Grovers Cleveland found themselves matched against each other, they would merge into a single Grover Cleveland with two knives who would be declared the victor and continue from there. If two different players were each at the helm of one Grover Cleveland, they could decide between themselves who would maintain command of the merged Grover Cleveland, with the option to carry out the duel between their Grovers if they really wanted to, or to request that a GM randomly select one of them. Sadly, circumstances never permitted us to witness any variant of the Grovers Cleveland meeting. An additional wrinkle was the possibility that the existence of Multiple Grovers Cleveland would alert another President to the existence of cloning/resurrection technology, in the event that they defeated one Grover Cleveland and then later got matched against the other Grover Cleveland. We saw this happen once, where Herbert Hoover regrettably failed to do anything particularly interesting with this knowledge before the second Grover Cleveland managed to avenge the first with a third-round throat slash.

RESULTS OF THE TOURNAMENTS

TOURNAMENT ZERO: THE BATTLE ROYALE The first time we ran the GURPS Presidential Fantasy Knife-Fighting League, it was as a free-for-all where all Presidents were dropped into the Colosseum at once, we ran down the initiative list, and we brawled until there was one man standing. Surprising absolutely no one, it was Teddy Roosevelt, but only once Andrew Jackson's berserk corpse finally accepted that it had reached 0 HP several rounds earlier. It took forever to complete, and we decided to swap to Brackets so we could run concurrent one-on-one matches after that, and also to recruit three assistants for the one extremely harried GM. It wasn't an official rule, but the top 4 players each year volunteered to be the GMs the next year. I was one of the GMs years 2 and 4, but never the tournament winner. Coincidentally both years I made it to the final 4, one of my two characters was Richard Nixon, but in neither tournament was Richard Nixon the character I got to qualify for the final 4 (James K. Polk and Dwight D. Eisenhower). During the first Battle Royale I piloted John Adams and John Quincy Adams, then after they both died very early on I took over Andrew Johnson and James Garfield for another player with scheduling conflicts, but neither of them lasted very long either.

TOURNAMENT ONE The first proper run of the tournament using the updated rules was later that same year, and we ran it again three more times before the community lost momentum and eventually disbanded. Without the Presidents who were excluded from the league due to special rules or lack of eligibility, but plus the two Grovers Cleveland, we had 32 participants, a very convenient number for this style of event. And then there was the TITAN MATCH between Roosevelt and Jackson at the finale. This is the year I ran Nixon and Eisenhower. Nixon was at a pretty stark disadvantage because other players would just go apeshit at him for the memes, and died his second round in - won against Kennedy (which I'm sure would have thrilled him), then lost to Chester A. Arthur of all people. Eisenhower made it to the final four, vanquishing Andrew Johnson, Grover Cleveland 1, and Herbert Hoover, but losing to that year's champ. First year champion Lyndon Johnson was an infamous bully, a big sturdy man only half an inch shorter than Abraham Lincoln, and not at all afraid to throw his weight and superior reach around. It was close fought, but the fact that he was well-documented to be among the most aggressive and confrontational of this cohort turned out to be just as strong of advantages as his stature. Ulysses S. Grant was the other finalist and made Johnson work for it though. The first TITAN MATCH went to Theodore Roosevelt. Teddy was just... absurdly sturdy. We dialed some of his stats back a little after year 1, but not much. We still had to try our best to genuinely reflect a man who was once shot in the chest by an assassin and decided to finish giving his speech before seeking medical attention. Andrew Jackson got in like five or six stabs, but Roosevelt was still able to stay on his feet.

TOURNAMENT TWO This is the first year I was one of the GMs, and I didn't play any of the contestants personally. I did GM the final match though. Harry Truman was one of history's most prolific mass-murderers, arguably the US President with the highest death toll, and his proficiency at dealing slaughter was not greatly diminished by our tournament insisting that he do it with his own hands. Genuinely, fuck every last one of these guys and I hope they're all burning in Hell, but I hope Truman has it even worse than the rest. In his second round match with Thomas Jefferson they both tried to throw their knives at each other and wound up grappling unarmed until Truman could choke Jefferson to death. Truman's opponent in the finals was Eisenhower, who I was cheering on having piloted him the year prior, but Truman kept landing vicious called shots. The TITAN MATCH gave victory to Andrew Jackson. I don't think we overcompensated when we reduced Teddy's HT score and ranks in the "Hard To Kill" advantage after year 1, I think the guy who was piloting Old Hickory was just on top of his game, and the dice liked him better. But this was the only time Jackson ever won, and I don't think that's a mistake. The two of them were very close in Point Value as characters, but Teddy's assets were much more suited to this specific type of conflict. To elaborate, Jackson was a glass cannon. He was tough as hell because of willpower and viciousness, but by the time he was president he was falling apart. His mobility was shit, he had two bullets still inside of him (one of which was finally removed while he was in office and one of which he took to his grave), and he was being dosed regularly with mercury because it was a popular Malaria treatment back then. Strategically, he had two real show-stopper moves. The first was to let the other guy hit first, grit his teeth through the pain, and take his sweet time lining up his aim to ensure his retort was a kill shot, a tactic far better suited to a pistol duel than a knife fight. The second was to go in with a berserk all-out attack the second he was in melee range, holding nothing whatsoever back in the pursuit of doing as much harm as possible. The player was able to land an especially lucky strike during one such flurry and stun Roosevelt, then took his time to line up a deathblow while the Bull Moose was reeling.

TOURNAMENT THREE A player once again, the dice gave me Richard Nixon a second time, and James K. Polk the first. Both my fighters made it to the Final Four, and it looked like I was going to have to surrender one of them to another player for the endgame, but Tricky Dick got sliced and diced by the eventual tournament winner, and Polk advanced to the final round to give me a second shot at him. I don't remember everyone they squared off with on the way, but I do remember that I had Nixon try to bite Franklin Pierce's nose off in the first round "to send a message to the other fighters". The GM didn't let me finish though because Pierce was already dead. Ulysses S. Grant was called "The Butcher" both by enemies and admirers. We were never super happy with his combat stats because so many stories about him had untrustworthy origins due to widespread Confederate propaganda. There's a popular perception of Grant as just a catastrophically depressed alcoholic who only knew how to fight by grinding away with numerical superiority, and the reality may have been a lot more nuanced. Overall I'd say that Grant benefited a great deal that year from getting placed in arenas that gave him defensible terrain to play around with, and a couple clever uses of environmental weapons to supplement his knife. Grant and Nixon skirmished at length on Air Force One before Grant backed my Nixon into a corner near the lavatories and finished the job, then In the final match he threw his knife into my Polk's hamstring, then brained him with a piece of Colosseum debris while Polk was writhing in agony. Over in the TITAN MATCH, now that we'd all seen how rough Jackson's opening volley could be if he caught you at close range, Teddy's player this year wasn't having it. We did all agree that strafing tactics would have violated the spirit of his "Code of Honor: Good Sportsmanship" disadvantage, so instead he just got in Jackson's face and launched his own devastating all-out attack first. Jackson did bite Roosevelt that time though, that was pretty memorable. And I was playing him. I guess I was just in a biting mood that year.

TOURNAMENT FOUR Once again I was a GM, but this time I let someone else run the main tournament finale so I could sit back and watch, and then I took over to GM the TITAN MATCH. Lyndon B. Johnson again. What can I say, the guy was a huge belligerent jackass. A real arrogant piece of shit. At least most of these other guys had the sense of decorum not to do things like literally whip out their dick and slap it against a desk as some kind of primate dominance display, or force people giving them briefings to follow them into the toilet and talk to them while they pissed. Johnson's biggest advantage was that he didn't respect anyone else even a tiny bit, and he fought like it. The aliens probably didn't even need to threaten the earth with annihilation for him to do it. Every time one of his opponents would start going "Perhaps we need not be foes, can we find no common cause against our tormentors?", Johnson would tackle them to the ground and slam his knife through their eye socket. The fourth TITAN MATCH was the closest we ever ran. Both combatants ended the final round immobile with their knives in each other's bodies. But Teddy was just plain bigger and had more HP to drain via ongoing bleeding damage before falling unconscious, so he won in the end. My decision to keep the match going after they were both down and bleeding was controversial at first, but eventually a consensus was reached that if anyone was going to struggle back to their feet, it was one of these two.

IN CONCLUSION

If I ever found enough fellow GURPS players who were willing to participate, and tracked down where I had everybody's stats written down now that that forum is long defunct, and made satisfactory new stats for the competitors who have become eligible since the last tournament, I would love to get this thing back off the ground. As far as newly eligible competitors go, I think Gerald Ford would do well for himself because he was a pretty big dude and a college football player, and his reputation for clumsiness seems to have mostly been manufactured by a scandal-obsessed media. On the other hand I think Reagan would fold like an absolute chump even with stats based on his time in office before the Alzheimer's became unmistakable, because his entire political career was about delegating everything and then claiming personal credit, and any physicality he managed to project had the reek of stagecraft rather than sincerity. I think he'd be completely lost in any situation more complicated than a photo op without some underling to do all the work for him. Maybe he could ask Nancy's astrologer to suggest some good moves though.

#GURPS #Wall of Text #The GURPS Presidential Fantasy Knife-Fighting League

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somerandomcryptid · 9 months ago

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It's midnight but the brain worms won't stop so take some more Cryptid angst(but this time writing!) because I love to make my bean suffer

(Tw for implied emotional/verbal child abuse and implied forced (platonic) affection)

Cryptid stared down at the words they had just written. It didn't really matter if they were any good, it was a fucking diary entry. Their diary was already a mess. So much that it hurt to read back through it.

They started it way back when they were still in Wren’s world. Or well they started the first one. They had lost it when they got kidnapped of course, but they got a new one from Bad and Skeppy. A nice leather bound book with a lock, they kept the key in their enderchest. Of course anyone could break the lock or rip it off (thank God Dream never did), but it gave them some feeling of security.

But of course what was more notable was its contents. They had stopped writing in it as much when Dream started getting bad, out of fear he would read it, it wouldn't be the first breach of privacy he made. But from time to time when they got really low they would write pages upon pages of their thoughts, tucked away against rocks in the training arena, the place that embarrassingly felt the safest and most private.

Cryptid didn't read back through those pages. They knew that if they were to, they would probably just be thrust back into that mindset. They already still hid their diary under their floorboards, even though they knew Sam would never touch it, they just got over flinching anytime Sam would touch them, for fear the touch wouldn't leave. They didn't need to go back to that place of contradiction, of rationalizations of why really his actions were ok.

No. They had moved on. They didn't want to claw their skin off when they saw Dream yesterday. Punz’s glance didn't make them want to shrivel up and die, and his glare certainly didn't almost make their anxiety attack turn into a panic attack.

They were fine.

Maybe one day the lies wouldn't sound so fake. Maybe one day they wouldn't hurt anymore. Maybe one day-

They sigh. And close their diary, turning their key in the lock to click it shut.

Maybe one day they wouldn't have to lie to themself.

I don't even know what the fuck this is I just kinda spewed out 370 words from the brainworms

Writing Cryptid pov is very comfy though, probably cause they have the same thinking style as me lol.

I promise they get to be ok eventually but I love writing them hurt, it's cathartic

But they do get to be ok eventually!!! It's actually very important to me that they get to be ok eventually, gives me more hope and all that shit(my life's actually pretty good right now but like, still)

Anyway yeah, writing I guess.

(Dreaming of death is an au of the fic Penpal by @calamari-minecraft-corner)

#dreaming of death au #self insert #cryptid.writes

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disco-tea · 1 year ago

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20 questions for fic writers

1. How many works do you have on ao3?

23, but I have more/older stories on other sites

2. What's your total ao3 word count?

237,183

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Right now, mainly btvs and I have an unfinished Arcane fic dying in my drafts

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Hiraeth (TF)

where the shadow ends (BTVS)

Brother Let Me Be Your Shelter (TUA)

the broken gates of kingdom come (BTVS)

skin like the sky at dusk (LOKI)

5. Do you respond to comments? why or why not?

I used to respond to nearly every single comment but rip I have been letting it slip lately 😭

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Probably I’ll Be Home For Christmas (If Only In My Dreams). It’s a Christmas story about Five Hargreeves stuck in the apocalypse

7. What is the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Honestly probably The Art of Dying believe it or not 😂

8. Do you get hate on any fics?

I know for a fact I have gotten hate on fics but I straight up don’t remember it because I delete hate and then forget about it/block it out lmao

9. Do you write smut? if so, what kind?

Nope. The closest I’ve gotten was a non explicit “pan to the fireplace” sort of scene

10. Do you write crossovers? what's the craziest one you've written?

Nope

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not to my knowledge. Though I have written stories and then seen somebody else post a fic in the same fandom that was eerily similar to a scene I wrote.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

I have! I wrote this Jason Todd fic when I was a teenager called Just Another Robin and it’s been translated twice!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I have not. I’ve thought about it, but I’m probably too much of a weirdo to successfully collaborate with

14. What's your all time favorite ship?

It changes depending on what I’m fixating on tbh 😭

15. What's a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

There’s like….nobody on this site who knows what I’m talking about but um. I got this fic called Hiraeth a lot of people really like. And I really do want to finish but it’s been so long and I’ve lost the muse/motivation for it. I’m really holding out that one of these days I’ll get a supernatural rush of inspiration and crank out like one final chapter for it

16. What are your writing strengths?

People say I do a good job at writing emotions

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Honestly probably that I’m too attached to my style and too sensitive about certain critiques. Which is why I’ll probably never want to write professionally because for me it’s more of an artistic expression

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I think it’s good as long as it’s limited and you make sure it’s accurate and the reader knows what is going on anyway. My approach was that it should always be explained clearly later on or be an inconsequential fun little Easter egg for the reader to look up later

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Oh my gosh. My first fic was Supernatural 🫣

20. Favorite fic you've written?

where the shadow ends I think is my magnum opus at this point in my life. It’s novel length. It’s very emotional and important to me and really had a lot of real life feelings poured into it. It was so strangely woven into my life at the time I wrote it. It’s cathartic. It’s real. It’s a piece of my soul put on paper tbh. And that banner…oh my gosh. It was perfect and I’ll cherish it probably for the rest of my life

A runner up would be this multimedia fic I wrote during the pandemic and it was a fic told through a combo of text messages, pictures, videos, and chapter writing. I’m still v proud of it even though it’s very hard to share anywhere because of the format

#my fanfic #fic things #fanfiction

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loveotomization · 2 years ago

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i got unbaaaanned here's an ask: can i get a behind the scenes for (one of) your fav/s akekita scene/s you've written, any fic 👀 like, how did the idea come to you, or some fun fact abt the writing process... if you have anything to share ^^

Thank you for this!! I've been dying to have an excuse to talk about this stuff, you have no idea!

This wasn't exactly what you asked, but I thought I'd mention that people who have read my stuff in general point out my use of off-the-wall metaphors/similes. If anyone enjoys my little flair in doing this, I highly recommend reading the works of Peter Beagle! I shamelessly stole the technique from him and made it my own. I recommend starting off with The Last Unicorn (it's a classic for a reason), but any of his older works share a similar style (A Fine and Private Place, Folk of the Air). I'm not sure that I would be a writer today without him.

Anyway...

-Fun fact: Akechi is easier for me to write than Yusuke. I, too, am very angry inside and probably just need a hug lol It's cathartic. Although, two years of studying art in college actually helps with writing Yusuke, because I don't need to look up art terms.

-In Aesopica, the ending was highly inspired by my favorite Tokyo Ghoul fic, in which Kaneki turns the tables on Tsukiyama in the end (huge content warnings for that TG fic btw). I loved how satisfying the circular nature of it was and wanted to try something similar. I knew the ending I wanted to create right from the first chapter.

I cannot remember how I came up with the fruit bowl to both mark the passing of time, and the decay of their relationship. But go past me for coming up with that! My 2017 brain was the real mvp.

This is also my longest fic and you will not see me write anything this long again lol I just don't have it in me. Shout out to long fic writers, I'll have some of whatever you're snacking on.

I also remember this being something of a vent fic. I was sad and wanted to my faves to be sad together. While I do enjoy supportive akekit, where they both grow together, I also love when they just make each other worse.

-Sliced Halves, Light Syrup, please imagine me in the grocery store staring blankly at a can of peaches while concocting an entire fic. Writers are very normal people.

This is also my second most popular akekit fic. Fluff sells, I guess. I prefer my darker stuff tbh!

-After Aesopica, my personal favorite of mine is Psychosomatic. I'm shy about my love of organ-fondling since it's not a common thing to be into (there's not even an official ao3 tag for it lol), so I'm grateful to the person on the kink meme for prompting this. Knowing someone else was interested allowed me to put myself out there and write it. I re-read it not long ago just for fun, and it holds up. It's the intimacy of literally touching the insides of someone, you know?

-I'm scrolling through my akekit fics now and wow! I do not remember some of these? Who wrote these while I wasn't looking??

-Kilroy Was Here was going to be serious angst about Akechi forcibly kissing Yusuke so that he would no longer trust him, because he feels like he doesn't deserve trust, blah, blah... But the idea of Yusuke annoying the crap out of him before they got to that point was so funny to me that I had to run with it. If anyone was wondering about my sense of humor, this fic is it. (I am not funny)

-Born to be Posthumous 69 kudos harr harr... I enjoy this one even if it wasn't as popular as some of my others. I remember being depressed and angry and wanting to take it out on Akechi.

This is getting long now, but it was fun! Thank you again! Hopefully this wasn't too far from you asked! Most of my scenes just come to me as I'm writing with a basic idea in mind, so I just toss them in as I go. A humble chef tossing anything she finds in the fridge right into the soup.

Now that I'm back from my writing hiatus I definitely plan to bring out more akekit when I can!

#akekita #goro akechi #yusuke kitagawa

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livecharliereaction · 3 months ago

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ITS A GOOD VN! its a good vn

This might be the perfect 8/10 but in a way that makes me need to knock every 8/10 before it down a little you know. Its not a 9 or 10 i think but im not sure why. But its really fucking good

The pace is a bit weird i was sometimes BORED and the writing style is Distinct and Nice but something about it is weird. this might be a localization thing but the overall Language use doesnt really HIT but i dont know why or how to phrase this better

Also i dont really CARE about the dudes still in the end BUT thats all okay because

i REAAAALLY like giselle and michel thats parents. i did NOT know about the amount of gender stuff in this going into it but anyone couldve predicted id really like them. some parts of michel VERY cathartic but he has more going on for him than it you know??? its nice i like it

and i do really love maria and i like mell... The rest of the cast im not sold on but i believe they appear in requiem of innocence so thats okay

...Seriously what is there LEFT for it though what can that be ABOUT. Next lives i GUESS. i worry a bit if it was made just off of the success (?) of this but ill have to see. And i will! Cos i already bought it like halfway through this!! but yeah i think this could work as a stand alone work, im feeling CONTENT with this ENDING. but ill still play the other one because i liked this more than enough to warrant it. but i worry. lets see the steam desc actually i didnt wanna look before because scared of Spoilers

see what the fuck this tells me NOTHING. maybe its just a rework???????? But theres way more characters i can see whaaattt. Also im discovering i DIDNT BUY IT??? WHAT!!! I SWEAR I DIDDDD I HAVE A MEMORY I BOUGHT IT WITH. i dont remember what but some other vns SURELY. I THINK? NO?

(this changes things im not reading it NEXT ill read smth off my library first... hoping it goes on sale in that meantime. i have Slay The Princess and ciconia and steinsgate ETC ETC ETC)

ok anyway back to fatamoru review uhhh

it plays a lot with the ui which is NICE i havent seen anything like it. super pretty and cute and fun And not only that but the ART yeah this is visually sooooo fantastic i do quite love it. if you showed me a sprite before i wouldve said Ehhh this semi realism not really my beat...

BUT!!!! you have to understand how well it works with the TONE and the REST OF THE VISUALS its overall a VERY pretty vn through and through (i love the menus also. sounds like a small thing but not for ME i love a good ui The spoons in save menu... this pretty ass log... the candles in qm... ohhh i just love it all) cgs are pretty

music is super cute and pretty it FITS. not something id listen to outside of reading but PERFECT for the reading you knowww. i like it a lot

amazing time

thanks

#charfm

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princeizuku · 3 months ago

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Hello! Im the person whos paragraph style you liked, i think its evident i write fanction lol but also it just makes things easier to read if its not a huuuge block of text :P

Im glad you can see where im coming from though and the tragedy of people having lived these awful experiences. I do want emphasize that, while absolutely people dealing with trauma should see professional aid in healing(if theyre able), its should be noted that fiction is helpful in exploring feelings of anxiety and trauma from a safe place. People who have "positive" versions of some of these events can also be powerful in a way that helps put them in control of the situation and reframe their own trauma so thag it hurts them less. Prolonged exposure therapy a method used by professionals that specifically goes through recounting traumatic memories is found to be useful yielding positive results!

Most things done in fiction, so long as its properly tagged for the sake of others, can be beneficial in dealing with trauma. This is all to say that in no way do i expect anyone to just jump into this kind of content, and individuals can read this as a form of self harm and that it is up to the individual to practice self health, but as it can be cathartic to write it, it can also be cathartic to read it

(Ofc there will always be people who use fiction to play out fantasies, legal or not. Personally i see it as so long someone doesnt turn to hurt others, id rather they use fiction than seek content that exploits others or explicitly hurting others directly but this is just my opinion. Plus theres the additional nuance of what i mentioned before about people already holding beliefs that they should be allowed to hurt others for their own benefits but you get it lol)

Anyways ive rambled on enough, but i appreciate you hearing me out! Enjoy your time on the internet, and if thats by avoiding "proship" content then please do! I want you and everyone else to enjoy their time and space online ^^

Hi again! Once again, your explanations and analysis are very well done and gets your point across lol :))

I think this was all a really good thing for me to learn more about, and i hope that those people who are genuinely trying to heal will be able to do it properly someday.

Thank you and hope u enjoy ur time online too <3

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quippih · 9 months ago

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gender? i hardly know her

I tell everyone I know that I was aware something was up with my gender in middle school. That I started experimenting with being a boy, and that didn't fit right until I found the term nonbinary and that fit me like a magic glove and everything was rainbows and sparkles and Nyan Cats. It's a very digestible story, albeit false.

It was more that I just ignored being a "girl" for nearly the entirety of middle school, until about 7th grade. I was just doing my own shit, being the trademarked Art Kid™ of my class, keeping myself busy with phone games, and- if you squinted- not feeling out of place at all.

I experimented with the term "agender" and for a while it fit me. I decorated the little locker we got in our homeroom with a handmade magnet of the agender flag. I wasn't going to be like those stories I saw everywhere, hiding my gender like some kind of secret. I thought I was better for doing that, not realizing there's fucking nuance to it and it's impossible to expect that from every queer person.

It was all very surface-level understanding of my queerness anyway. I think I just enjoyed the aesthetics of all that compartmentalization.

All of a sudden you have a bunch of new words to describe yourself with. I'm not [deadname] anymore, I'm Kai, my pronouns are they/them, and I'm a Trans Agender Panromantic Demisexual. Even picking my new name was cathartic- something I chose for myself like a badge of honor. Again- compartmentalization.

Even though I'm not the person I used to define myself as, I think that was probably the first time that I took part in a community like that so fervently. The music I listened to, the games I played, I got to look at content about it online sometimes, but only from the sidelines. Gender was something I could take pieces of and run with in my real life.

In freshman year of high school I saw other trans people in these communities, and I now suddenly had a lot of expectations on how I would look. I expected that I'd wear button up Hawaiian shirts and style my hair in a weird up-do forever. How I felt about all of it is pretty fuzzy. I remember feeling proud when I cut my hair short, happy when I wore a binder and full cover shirt to the beach. I was fully prepared to transition to "basically male" because I really didn't see any nonbinary representation and defaulted to White, Skinny Trans Guys to form the basis of what "androgyny" looked like to me.

(Something something internalized transphobia because I was viewing trans guys not as men, but as a "close enough" to nonbinary? I'm not sure.)

Then I finally saw other nonbinary people on my radar in sophomore year, people who were taking a stand against that norm. I followed that for a bit. I wore dresses and made my eyebrows and eyebags dark and vehemently described my style as "kidcore", followed TikTok trends and browsed depop.

I was also kind of dumbing down my transness to be digestible for myself and everyone else. "I'm just nonbinary- no need to get your panties in a twist. Let's just leave it and forget about it and it's just gonna stay like that forever. they/them, I'm not complicating it."

And then after a while I just kind of fucking gave up. Even if I wanted to make it digestible enough for other people, I should at least have an idea of what my gender means to me, regardless of how convoluted it ends up. Besides, so much of the world will want me dead no matter how much I water my gender down, no matter how "cis" I look.

But it's really long and arduous to explain all of that, so it's pretty clear why I'd rather go with the neat and tidy first option.

#journal #i'll post more on how i actually define my own gender later. this is long enough as is #quipips

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itrustmydiscoverweekly · 11 months ago

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This week I listened to "Wismar" By Rose Avenue

⭐⭐⭐⭐(4 out of 5 stars)

I liked this album a lot! I think it was odd getting back into Indie Rock/Pop since it's been a while since I've listened to this sort of music. Come to think of it it's been since daysormay in early April or Bears in Trees in early May (they don't count because they're British/hj). I think Rose Avenue very much has a sound that they nail and is very different from the other indie rock I've listened to this year. They remind me of Half•Alive but are still distinct in their own way. I like Rose Avenue, I felt like this whole album felt like one long song and everything flowed together into one in a really cool way. I also like that they make music about small-town style relationships/friendships. I am going to say their guitar and instrumentals remind me a lot of James Marriot's album "Are We There Yet?" and I think this is sort of just a sound I tend to gravitate towards.

Anyways, opinion time! (as always, not opinion order, just album order)

This'll be a bit tough since it's 7 songs and the whole album is really cool...

"Head in the Clouds" I think the talking before the song is a great way to transition into the very fast start of this song, I just think it is a neat way to start the song. I think this song tells a story that leave a lot to the listener. The characters are introduced and I think such a great part of indie music is that you don't really always know the exact meaning of every song but you get enough pieces to get an idea and flesh out the story in your head. Anyway, this song has a great composition. I love the use of texture and I love the instrumental 2/3 of the way through the song and how it works its way back to the chorus. I found this song stuck in my head a lot; and I think this song works so well.

"The Devil You Know" is such a cool song. I love how this introduces us more to the characters within this album. I love the fast-paced chorus at the start with the muted drums and loud bass and how quickly it transitions to the next verse and allows the song to build. These guys do a great job of building up within their songs and it sounds great. This one I feel I will keep coming back to a lot over time.

"An Ocean, A River" does a brilliant job wrapping up the album. It is led into by "Aren't You Sick" AMAZINGLY, I love these songs together so much they tickle my brain. I LOVE 1:08-1:20 (the start of the first chorus) Jesus I love cathartic screaming in a song. It works amazingly to build the song up more. The first time I heard it I was blown away. I love the loud choruses on this song and that these guys aren't afraid of the transition from really soft to really loud music. I love the ending instrumental, what an amazing way to end an album.

There's only 7 songs but have some...

Honorable Mentions!!! 🥳🥳🥳

I'm a big fan of "Age Old Drink" the VOCALS Jesus, mwah, brilliant. This song is Dreamlike and a lot of fun. I love the drums on the chorus.

"Aren't You Sick" has Great guitar and drums again, love me some loud music and I think this song does it great. Also as I said above I love how this song leads into "An Ocean, A River".

#album of the week #music #albums #alternative #indie music #rose avenue #wismar #rose avenue wismar

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punksocks · 9 months ago

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Libra placements (especially Libra suns/mars)

Mixed experiences ! This has increased lately and I think I’m hopefully at the end of this arch of attracting Libra suns lol. My mars is in Libra in 12th house so I’ve had a lot of Libras start off especially nice then get passive aggressive and try to push all of my boundaries. I feel like there’s something about that sun in detriment that can make them insecure and prone to overcompensating when underdeveloped. That on top of my mars conjunction to their sun has made Libras be really competitive in a passive aggressive way and when I don’t participate in that (because I don’t do competition) they throw a lot of sneak disses my way and try to pull me into conflict while looking innocent. Disrespectful on the low. If I see the signs I don’t date them and I don’t work with them and I haven’t met a Libra that has been sincerely nice and transparent for the entire trial period I give them lol (for me anyway)

Scorpio moons

I think Scorpio moons have been chill for the most part ! Idk I’ve had some confess really weird things to me but like I usually find them to be grounding and I get where they’re coming from emotionally (I’m a Scorpio rising). Some have opened up to me out of the blue (mostly guys ngl) and that surprised me. But I feel like if there’s resentment there I have a harder time sensing it with this placement, until I see it all at once lol. But overall usually kinder than you’d expect from the stereotypes.

Gemini moons

A lot of people I’ve worked with especially. I usually feel weird about it because my 8th house is in Gemini, so I feel like I’ve gotten along well with a few that start mirroring me and copying me. Copying me freaks me out. Then they usually try to outsmart or out perform me with those same copied moves and I’m like bruh what are you doing? I usually have to peace out after that.

Capricorn suns

Capricorns get other Capricorns lol. World weary together and it can be cathartic. Sometimes they get a little competitive in a passive aggressive way (different than Libra, Capricorns try to pick you apart when they’re underdeveloped), and I don’t vibe with that though.

Sagittarius Suns/Moons

Fun people (my Venus is in Sag) but I find them inherently unreliable in the long term lol. Super fun people to vibe with imo, just can’t like ask them to be consistent for me for 4+ months lmao. If it works on their terms they’ll be around but otherwise nu-uh (not just friends in my experience, bosses and adults in my family historically lmao)

Pisces Suns

Pisces is in my 5th house so I always thought of them as really fun and sweet. Secretly they can be more unreliable than sag suns lol. I feel like they can get stuck in listless sadness sometimes, but I think that’s Neptune’s nature lol.

Cancer Suns

Completely unpredictable on how things will go but I like them usually, I feel like cancers are more fun than we give them credit for. I did have a friend where I could never map how they would respond to things emotionally and it was a confusing time for me. But I feel like a lot of long term connections have been with cancers and each one has been better than the last in terms of like emotional maturity and safety.

Aquarius suns

Mixed bag. As a rule I’ve gotten along with Aquarius suns with water moons the best, I feel like those have been my favorite experiences. In my humble opinion I think the water moon helps soften the inherent detachment Aquariuses have and makes them less cold and alien and more Birds Eye view socially if that makes sense? Otherwise things get weird with both our traditional rulers being in Saturn. I feel like nowadays most Aquarius placements I interact with have been at work and there’s been a lot of competitiveness come up. I’m an artist and I use a very unique coloring method just because I like what effect it has on the art I do and I feel like it goes with my style well. Three times now I’ve had aqua suns that will not hear a word I say about anything but have literally copied my style then brought what they copied to me and say it’s not that hard (they didn’t even copy it right so I was like whatever). Two of them have worked for me even. One literally walked up to me while I was working and was like how do you do that, I want to do that. Confusing for me because I thought aqua suns were supposed to be historically more innovative but I’ve had so many try to crib off my style (artistically, fashion, otherwise) then resent me for it. If they don’t do that then they’re chill people lol.

Scorpio Venus + Cancer Mars

I’m trying to be cool and nice about dudes with Scorpio Venus but also it immediately makes me more sensitive to red flags when I see this in a chart. I don’t like to believe the rumors, but there is usually a weird power dynamic here. And guys with these placements don’t like to date people they’re really attracted to because of the power they “lose” in that dynamic. Very possible to have learned your lessons and be a great boyfriend with this placement. Rare. Like super rare. But possible !

Leo suns

I really liked my Leo suns for a long time, and I still like them well enough but when an underdeveloped one is like “me, me, me” I cannot unhear it and it sort of ruins all the charm all at once for me lol.

Leo moons

Again, I think Leo placements are good ! I just noticed that Leo moons are so rooted to their own perspective that they like lowkey cannot understand outside experiences. They try, by rooting it back to themselves but when it doesn’t click they don’t get it (political discussions have been a nightmare for me and people with this placement lol). This is probably underdeveloped energy.

Capricorn moons

Inherently we get each other. Emotionally lowkey bonding even when it’s over explicit trauma, and understanding that if no one else will get it done we will. But I’m always surprised by how many of them still try to get along with their moms even if she’s like actively hurting them (I don’t ! The ship has sailed for me, Saturn said no for me- but as always to each their own).

Aquarius moons

As a rule even if I have a lot of tough experiences with certain placements I’ll give new people with those placement a chance, because you never know. I can’t do that with aqua moons. It’s not like I shun them in public lol, but I never seriously date them. I feel like underdeveloped ones are naturally detached (fine) but see any budding emotional connections as attachments and can resent you for that (no thanks).

Mercurial Mars (Gemini/Virgo)

Great when they’re taking care of you, and really fun about intimacy and stuff. Terrible to argue with oml. Depending on the house the mars sign is in too it can get really intense. Otherwise I’ve enjoyed how clever they can be.

Is there a particular placement [or placements] that you tend to attract a lot? If so, what has your experience with them been like?

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